Heautontimorumenos; or, The Self-Tormenter (318c-347)

Plague on it, what roundabout story is he beginning to tell me?

Syrus, he says what’s right—do omit digressions; come to the point.

Really I can not hold my tongue. Clitipho, you are every way unjust, and can not possibly be endured.

Upon my faith, he ought to have a hearing. (To CLITIPHO.) Do be silent.

You wish to indulge in your amours; you wish to possess your mistress; you wish that to be procured wherewithal to make her presents; in getting this, you do not wish the risk to be your own. You are not wise to no purpose,—if indeed it is being wise to wish for that which can not happen.

Either the one must be had with the other, or the one must be let alone with the other. Now, of these two alternatives, consider which one you would prefer; although this project which I have formed, I know to be both a wise and a safe one. For there is an opportunity for your mistress to be with you at your father’s house, without fear of a discovery; besides, by these self-same means, I shall find the money which you have promised her—

to effect which, you have already made my ears deaf with entreating me. What would you have more?

If, indeed, this could be brought about—

If, indeed? You shall know it by experience.

Well, well, disclose this project of yours. What is it?

We will pretend that your mistress is his.

Very fine! Tell me, what is he to do with his own? Is she, too, to be called his, as if one was not a sufficient discredit?

No—she shall be taken to your mother.

Why there?

It would be tedious, Clitipho, if I were to tell you why I do so; I have a good reason.

Stuff! I see no grounds sufficiently solid why it should be for my advantage to incur this risk.[*]

Stay; if there is this risk, I have another project, which you must both confess to be free from danger.

Find out something of that description, I beseech you.

By all means;

I’ll go meet her, and tell her to return home.

Ha! what was it you said?

I’ll rid you at once of all fears, so that you may sleep at your ease upon either ear.[*]

What am I to do now?

What are you to do? The goods that—

Only tell me the truth, Syrus.

Dispatch quickly; you’ll be wishing just now too late and in vain.

The Gods provide, enjoy while yet you may; for you know not—

Syrus, I say!

Go on; I shall still do that which I said.[*]

Whether you may have another opportunity hereafter or ever again.