Pseudolus, or The Cheat (513b-555)

But if you don’t carry it off?

Then flog me with rods. But what if I do carry it off?

I give you Jupiter as your witness,

that you shall pass your life free from punishment.

Take care and remember that.

Could I possibly be unable to be on my guard, who am forewarned?

I forewarn you to be on your guard. I say you must be on your guard, I tell you. Keep watch. Look, now, with those same hands will you this day give me the money

By my troth, ’tis a clever mortal if he keeps his word.

Carry me away to be your slave if I don’t do it.

You speak kindly and obligingly; for at present you are not mine, I suppose.

Would you like me to tell you, too, what you will still more wonder at?

Come, then; i’ faith, I long to hear it; I listen to you with pleasure.

Before I fight that battle, I shall first

fight another battle, famous and memorable.

What battle?

Why, with the procurer your neighbour; by means of stratagem and artful tricks, I’l cleverly bamboozle the procurer out of this music-girl, with whom your son is so desperately in love;

and I surely will have both of these things effected this very day, before the evening.

Well, if you accomplish these tasks as you say, you will surpass in might King Agathocles [*]. But if you don’t do it, is there any reason why I shouldn’t forthwith put you in the treadmill?

Not for one day, but,

i’ faith, for all, whatever the time. But if I effect it, will you not at once give me the money of your own free will for me to pay to the procurer?

Pseudolus is making a fair claim; say I’ll give it.

But still, do you know what comes into my mind? Suppose they have made an arrangement, Callipho,

among themselves, or are acting in concert, and on a preconcerted plan, to bamboozle me out of the money?

Who would be more audacious than myself, if I dared to do such an action? Well, Simo, if we are thus in collusion, or have ever arranged any plan, do you mark me quite all over with elm-tree stripes [*], just as when letters are written in a book with a reed.

Now then, proclaim the games as soon as you please.

Give me your attention, Callipho, I beg you, for this day, so that you may not any way employ yourself upon other business.

Why, now, I had made up my mind yesterday to go into the country.

Still, do you now change the plan which you had resolved upon.

I am now resolved not to go away on account of this; I have an inclination to be a spectator of your games, Pseudolus; and if I shall find that he doesn’t give you the money which he has promised, rather than it shouldn’t be done, I’ll give it.

I shall not change my purpose.