The Dead Come to Life, or the Fisherman (41-45)

FRANKNESS

Nothing hard about that. Oyez! Silence! All who assert that they are philosophers, and all who think that they have any connection with the name, come tothe Acropolis for a distribution of gifts! Two minas will be given to every man, and a seed-cake also; and whoever displays a Jong beard shall receive a basket of figs into the bargain. Never mind temperance or justice or self-control, as these qualities are not essential if they are not available; but let each bring with him five syllogisms by all means, for without these it is impossible to be wise.

Lo, we have set up as prize two talents of gold for the contest;

These shall we give unto him who prevails over all in debating!

Cf. Iliad18, 507-8.

PHILOSOPHY

Aha! What a lot of them! The road up to the gate is full of men hustling after the two minas, as soon as they heard of them; others are coming up beside the Pelasgicon;[*] others by the precinct of Asclepius;[*] even more of them along the Areopagus;[*] some, too, by the tomb of Talus;[*] and some have set ladders against the temple of the Twin Brethren[*] and are climbing up with a hum, by Heaven, and “in clusters” like swarming bees, to use the words of Homer;[*] from that side right many, and from the other

Thousands of men, like the leaves and the flowers that come in the springtime.

Iliad2, 468. The Acropolis is full in a trice as they

noisily settle in place,

Iliad2, 463. and everywhere are begging-bags and flattery, beards and shamelessness, staves and gluttony, syllogisms and avarice. The few that came up in answer to the first summons are obscure and inconspicuous, intermingled with the crowd of others, and they escape the eye in the general similarity of garb.

FRANKNESS

In fact, that is the worst feature of it all, Philosophy, and the one for which you could be most criticized, that you have set no mark and token upon them. These cheats are often more convincing than the genuine philosophers.

PHILOSOPHY

That shall be seen to presently; but let us welcome them now.

PLATONIST

We Platonists should get our share first.

PYTHAGOREAN

No! we Pythagoreans, for Pythagoras was earlier.

STOIC

Nonsense! we of the Porch are better.

PERIPATETIC

Not at all; in matters of money we of the Walk should be first.

EPICUREAN

Give us Epicureans the cakes and the figs, but we will wait for the money, even if we have to be the last to get it.

ACADEMIC

Where are the two talents? We Academics will show you how much better debaters we are than the rest!

STOIC

Not while we Stoics are here!

PHILOSOPHY

Stop your bickering! You Cynics, do not jostle one another or strike each other with your staves. You were asked here for a different purpose, let me assure you! And now I, Philosophy, and Virtue here and Truth will decide who are the genuine philosophers. Then all who are found to be living by our rules shall be pronounced superior and will be happy ever after, but as for the cheats and all those who have nothing in common with us, we shall put

the wretches to a wretched end, so that they may not claim any part in things that are over their heads, false pretenders that they are! What is this? Are you running away? By Heaven, they are, most of them jumping over the cliffs! The Acropolis is empty except for these few who have remained because they did not fear the trial.

PHILOSOPHY

Attendants, pick up the bag which the Cynic threw away in the rout. Come, let me see what is in it; probably lupines, or a book, or some whole-wheat bread.

ATTENDANT

No! gold—see here!—perfume, a razor, a mirror, and a set of dice!

PHILOSOPHY

Good for you, my fine fellow! Were these your instruments for the mortification of the flesh, and did’ _ you think that with the aid of these you could abuse all mankind and instruct the rest of the world?

FRANKNESS

Well, there you see what they are like. You must consider how all this is to stop going on unobserved, and how those who come into contact with them are to tell which of them are the good and which, on the contrary, the followers of thte other life.

PHILOSOPHY

Invent a plan, Truth; for it would be in your own interest to do so, in order that Falsehood may not prevail over you, and bad men, under the cloak of Ignorance, escape your eye when they imitate the good.