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CTS Library / Stichus, or The Parasite Rebuffed

Stichus, or The Parasite Rebuffed (190-243b)

urn:cts:latinLit:phi0119.phi018.perseus-eng2:190-243b
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I’d invite you to dinner, were I not dining; out myself. I’ faith, I wish the very loins of that phrase broken, that it mayn’t repeat its perjury if he does dine at his own house. These phrases reduce me to learn foreign habits[*], and to spare the necessity for an auctioneer,
and so proclaim the auction, and put myself up for sale.
(Enter CROCOTIUM from the house of PHILUMENA, unseen by GELASIMUS.)
CROCOTIUM
(aside.)
This is the Parasite, whom I’ve been sent to fetch. I’ll listen to what he’s saying, before I accost him.
GELASIMUS
Now there are a good many curious mischief-makers here, who, with extreme zeal, busy themselves with the affairs of other people,
and who have themselves no affairs of their own to busy themselves with. They, when they know that any one is about to have an auction, go forthwith and sift out what’s the reason; whether a debt compels it, or whether he has purchased a farm; or whether, on a divorce, her marriage-portion is to be repaid to his wife[*].
All these, although, i’ faith, I don’t judge them undeserving, in their most wretched state, to go toiling on, I don’t care about. I’ll proclaim the reason of my auction, that they may rejoice in my mishaps, for there’s no person a busybody but what he’s ill-natured too. Very great mishaps, alas! have befallen wretched me.
So dreadfully afflicted has my property[*] rendered me: my many drinking-bouts are dead and gone; how many dinners, too, that I’ve bewailed, are dead! how many a draught of honeyed wine; how many breakfasts, too, that I have lost within these last three years!
In my wretchedness, for very grief and vexation have I quite grown old. I’m almost dead with hunger.
CROCOTIUM
(aside.)
There’s no one such a droll, as he is when he is hungry.
GELASIMUS
Now am I resolved that I’ll make a sale: out of doors[*] am I obliged to sell whatever I possess.
Attend, if you please; the bargains will be for those who are present. I’ve funny bon mots[*] to sell. Come, bid your price. Who bids a dinner? Does any one bid a breakfast? They’ll cost vou an Herculean breakfast[*] or dinner. Ho, there! (to one of the SPECTATORS) did you nod to me? No one will offer you better—
I won’t allow that any Parasite has better
quibbles, cajoleries, and parasitical white lies[*].
I’m selling a rusty flesh-scraper[*], too; a rusty-coloured brown bottle[*]
for the Greek unguents[*] at the sweating-baths[*]; delicate after-dinner powders[*];
an empty Parasite as well (pointing to himself), in whom to lay by your scraps. ’Tis needful that these should be sold at once for as much as they can; that, if I offer the tenth part. to Hercules[*], on that account it may be greater ⋯
CROCOTIUM
(aside.)
An auction of no great value, by my troth. Hunger has taken hold of the very deepest recess of the fellow’s stomach. I’ll accost the man.
(Moves towards him.)
GELASIMUS
Who’s this that’s coming towards me? Why, surely this is Crocotium, the maid-servant of Epignomus.
CROCOTIUM
My respects, Gelasimus.
GELASIMUS
That’s not my name.
CROCOTIUM
I’ faith, for sure that used to be your name.
GELASIMUS
Distinctly it was so, but I’ve lost it by use. Now I’m called Miccotrogus[*] from what is fact.
CROCOTIUM
O dear! I’ve laughed a good deal at you to-day.
GELASIMUS
When? or in what place?

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