Asinaria, or The Ass-Dealer (791b-837b)

And why not?

Hear the rest.

Say on, I’m listening.

And she is not to use any shuffling words, nor is she to know how to speak in any tongue but the Attic. If perchance she should begin to cough,

she is not to cough so as to expose her tongue to any one in coughing. But if she should pretend as though she had a running at the nose[*], even then she is not to do so; you yourself must wipe her lips rather than that she should open her mouth before another person. And her mother, the procuress, is not to come in in the middle of the wine,

nor is she to utter a word of abuse to any one; if she does so speak, let this be her fine, to go for twenty days without wine.

You have written it nicely; a clever agreement.

Then, if she bids her maid-servant carry chaplets, garlands, or unguents, to Venus or to Cupid,

your servant is to watch whether she gives them to Venus or to a man. If perchance she should say she wishes to keep herself in purity[*], let her account for as many nights as she has kept herself in purity. These are no trifles; for they are no funeral dirge[*].

The conditions please me entirely; follow me indoors.

I follow.

Follow this way. Am I to put up with this, or shall I hold my tongue? I would rather die than not discover this to his wife. And say you so, old man? With a mistress would you be acting the part of a youngster? Would you be excusing yourself to your wife, and calling yourself an aged man? Would you be taking the mistress from her lover? And would you be presenting the money

to the procuress, and be secretly pilfering it from your wife at home? You should hang me, rather than you should carry off these matters undiscovered. On my honor, I’ll really go this instant hence to her whom I’m sure that you’ll very soon be destroying, in order that you may be able to supply your extravagance, unless, indeed, she shall first prevent you.

I’m of opinion that thus you must act. ’Tis more becoming that I should disclose this matter, rather than yourself, lest she may think that you, excited by reason of love, rather than for her own sake, have acted thus.

Why, faith, you say what’s right. Do you then contrive to raise a storm and strife against him,

that he, together with his own son, is carousing with one mistress the livelong day, and that he’s secretly pilfering from her.

Don’t suggest to me. I’ll take care of that.

But I’ll wait for you at home.

Come then, father, let’s take our places, please.

As you bid me, my son, so it shall be.

Lads, spread the table.

Is it at all displeasing to you, son, if she takes her place by me?

Duty, father, keeps sorrow from my eyes; although I love her, still I can control my feelings, not to take it to heart because she takes her place by you.

It becomes a young man to be respectful, Argyrippus.

Troth, father, through proper regard for you, I can be so.

Come, then, let’s enjoy this banquet

with wine and pleasant discourse. I don’t wish to be feared, I prefer myself to be loved by you, my son.

In truth, I do them both, as is proper for a son.

I’d believe it, if I saw you were cheerful.

Why, do you think that I’m sorrowful?