Asinaria, or The Ass-Dealer (237-278)

Why, if you choose, the male-servants that are at home, I’ll make eunuchs of. In fine, take you care and bring articles of agreement that we will be as you wish. Impose conditions upon us as you wish, and as you shall choose.

Do you only bring the money with you, I’ll readily put up with the rest. The doors of procurers are very like those of a custom-house officer; if you bring anything, then they are opened; if there is nothing for you to give, then the doors are not opened.

I’m undone, if I don’t procure these twenty minae. And really, unless I make away with this much money, I must come to destruction.

Now I’ll go to the Forum, and make trial with my resources, with all my endeavours. I’ll beg, I’ll earnestly entreat each friend as I see him; both good and bad am I determined to apply to, and make trial of. But if I can’t borrow it, I’ll take it up at interest, I’m resolved.

Upon my faith, Libanus, it really were better for you now to be waking,

and to be devising some plan for procuring the money. A long time has now elapsed, since you parted with your master and went to the Forum. For that end that you might devise some plan for procuring the money, there till this time of day have you been sleeping at your ease. Why don’t you away with all slothfulness from yourself, and remove all sluggishness,

and betake yourself again to your former dexterous ingenuity. Preserve your master; take you care, too, how you do the same that other servants are wont, who employ a clever ingenuity in cheating their master? Whence shall I get it? Whom shall I diddle out of it? Whither shall I steer this fly-boat? ’Tis settled, ’tis confirmed by auspices; on each side do the birds give good omens.

The woodpecker and the crow are on my right, the raven, as well, upon my left. They are persuading me to it: i’ faith, I’m resolved to follow your advice. (Starts and listens.) But what means this, that the woodpecker is tapping the elm-tree? That’s not for nothing. Troth, for certain, so far as I can gather omens from augury, the rods are in readiness for my own back, or for Saurea the chamberlain.

But what means this that Leonida is running this way out of breath? I fear that this bodes ill for my trumped-up schemes

Where now shall I find Libanus, or my master’s son, that I may make them more mirthful than is Mirth herself[*]? Great booty and a triumph do I bring them on my arrival.

Inasmuch as together with me they drink, together with me they are wont to wench, why, this booty that I’ve got, together with them will I share it.

This fellow has been robbing a house, if he has been acting after his usual manner. Woe to the person that has so carelessly kept the door!

I could be ready to be a slave for an age, if I could only meet with Libanus.

I’ faith, with my assistance, indeed, you shall never be free a bit the sooner.

I’d give two hundred teeming lashes[*] on my back as well.

He’s giving away all his substance, for he carries his treasures on his back[*].

But if time should intervene upon this opportunity, never, upon my faith, will he hereafter obtain it again, even with white horses[*].