Sportive Epigrams on Priapus (in prose) (6-10)

Whenever I speak, one word slips me; for, talking with a lisp, I always say instead of praedico, paedico![*]

Go far hence, ye virtuous wives, 'tis unseemly for you to read lewd verses.[*] They care not an as [for my words],[*] and straightway approach. Verily these matrons are sensible, and look joyfully, too, on the well-grown mentule.

Why are my privy parts without vesture? you demand. I ask why no God conceals his emblem? The Lord of the World [Jupiter] has his thunderbolt, and holds it unconcealed; nor is a covered trident given to the God of the Sea [Neptune]. Mars does not secrete the sword by whose means he prevails; nor does Pallas's spear lie hid in the warm bosom of her robe. Is Phoebus ashamed to carry his golden arrows? Is Diana wont to bear her quiver secretly? Does Alcides conceal the strength of his knotted club? Has the winged God [Mercury] his caduceus under his tunic? Who has seen Bacchus draw his garment over the slender thyrsus; or thee, O Love, with hidden torch? Nor should it be a reproach to me that my mentule is always uncovered. For if this spear be wanting to me, I am weaponless.

Why, most foolish girl, do you laugh? Neither Praxiteles[*] nor Scopas[*] has given me shape, nor have I been perfected by the hand of Phidias;[*] but a bailiff carved me from a shapeless log, and said to me, 'You are Priapus!'[*] Yet you gaze at me, and laugh repeatedly. Doubtless it seems to you a droll thing--the 'column' standing upright from my groin.

Take heed lest thou art caught. If I do seize thee, nor with my club will I belabour thee, nor cruel wounds with the curved sickle will inflict on thee. Thrust into by my twelve-inch I pole, thou shalt be so stretched that thou wilt drink thy anus never had any wrinkles.