Eunuchus; or, The Eunuch (898b-943b)

O dear, prithee, do hold your tongue.

You seem to me to be far from sensible of his assurance.

I’ll not do any thing, Pythias.

Upon my faith, I don’t believe you, Chaerea, except in case you are not trusted.

Nay but, Pythias, do you be my keeper.

Upon my faith, I would neither venture to give any thing to you to keep, nor to keep you myself: away with you!

Most opportunely the brother himself is coming.

I’faith, I’m undone. Prithee,

let’s be gone in-doors, Thais. I don’t want him to see me in the street with this dress on.

For what reason, pray? Because you are ashamed?

Just so.

Just so? But the young woman—

Go first; I’ll follow. You stay here, Pythias, that you may show Chremes in.

Well! what now can suggest itself to my mind?

What, I wonder, in order that I may repay the favor to that villain who palmed this fellow off upon us?

Really, do bestir yourself more quickly, nurse.

I am bestirring.

So I see; but you don’t stir forward.

Have you yet shown the tokens to the nurse?

All of them.

Prithee, what does she say? Does she recognize them?

Yes, with a full recollection of them.

Upon my faith, you do bring good news; for I really wish well to this young woman. Go in-doors: my mistress has been for some time expecting you at home. (CHREMES and SOPHRONA go into THAIS’s house.) But look, yonder I espy that worthy fellow, Parmeno, coming: just see, for heaven’s sake, how leisurely he moves along. I hope I have it in my power to torment him after my own fashion.

I’ll go in-doors, that I may know for certain about the discovery; afterward I’ll come out, and give this villain a terrible fright.

I’ve just come back to see what Chaerea has been doing here. If he has managed the affair with dexterity, ye Gods, by our trust in you, how great and genuine applause will Parmeno obtain!

For not to mention that a passion, full of difficulty and expense, with which he was smitten for a virgin, belonging to an extortionate courtesan, I’ve found means of satisfying for him, without molestation, without outlay, and without cost; then, this other point—that is really a thing that I consider my crowning merit,

to have found out the way by which a young man may be enabled to learn the dispositions and manners of courtesans, so that by knowing them betimes, he may detest them ever after. (PYTHIAS enters from the house unperceived.) For while they are out of doors, nothing seems more cleanly, nothing more neat or more elegant;

and when they dine with a gallant, they pick daintily about:[*] to see the filth, the dirtiness, the neediness of these women; how sluttish they are when at home, and how greedy after victuals; in what a fashion they devour the black bread with yesterday’s broth:—to know all this, is salvation to a young man.

Upon my faith, you villain, I’ll take vengeance upon you for these sayings and doings; so that you sha’n’t make sport of us with impunity. (Aloud, coming forward.) O, by our trust in the Gods, what a disgraceful action! O hapless young man! O wicked Parmeno, to have brought him here!

What’s the matter?