Eunuchus; or, The Eunuch (224b-277)

My mind is made up.

Good Gods! What a malady is this! That a man should become so changed through love, that you wouldn’t know him to be the same person! Not any one was there[*] less inclined to folly than he, and no one more discreet or more temperate. But who is it that’s coming this way? Heyday! surely this is Gnatho, the Captain’s Parasite; he’s bringing along with him the damsel as a present to her. Heavens!

How beautiful! No wonder if I make but a sorry figure here to-day with this decrepit Eunuch of mine. She surpasses Thais herself.

Immortal Gods! how much does one man excel another! What a difference there is between a wise person and a fool! This strongly came into my mind from the following circumstance. As I was, coming along to-day, I met a certain person of this place, of my own rank and station,

no mean fellow, one who, like myself, had guttled away his paternal estate; I saw him, shabby, dirty, sickly, beset with rags and years;—What’s the meaning of this garb? said I; he answered, Because, wretch that I am, I’ve lost what I possessed: see to what I am reduced,—all my acquaintances and friends forsake me. On this I felt contempt for him in: comparison with myself. What! said I, you pitiful sluggard,

have you so managed matters as to have no hope left? Have you lost your wits together with your estate? Don’t you see me, who have risen from the same condition? What a complexion I have, how spruce and well dressed, what portliness of person? I have every thing, yet have nothing; and although I possess nothing, still, of nothing am I in want.But I, said he, unhappily, can neither be a butt nor submit to blows. [*]

What! said I, do you suppose it is managed by those means? You are quite mistaken. Once upon a time, in the early ages, there was a calling for that class; this is a new mode of coney-catching; I, in fact, have been the first to strike into this path. There is a class of men who strive to be the first in every thing, but are not; to these I make my court; I do not present myself to them to be laughed at;

but I am the first to laugh with them, and at the same time to admire their parts: whatever they say, I commend; if they contradict that self-same thing, I commend again. Does any one deny? I deny: does he affirm? I affirm: in fine, I have so trained myself as to humor them in every thing. This calling is now by far the most productive.

A clever fellow, upon my faith! From being fools he makes men mad outright.

While we were thus talking, in the mean time we arrived at the market-place; overjoyed, all the confectioners ran at once to meet me; fishmongers,[*] butchers, cooks,[*] sausage-makers, and fishermen, whom, both when my fortunes were flourishing and when they were ruined, I had served, and often serve still: they complimented me, asked me to dinner, and gave me a hearty welcome.

When this poor hungry wretch saw that I was in such great esteem, and that I obtained a living so easily, then the fellow began to entreat me that I would allow him to learn this method of me; I bade him become my follower[*] if he could; as the disciples of the Philosophers take their names from the Philosophers themselves, so too, the Parasite; ought to be called Gnathonics.

Do you see the effects of ease and feeding at another’s cost?

But why do I delay to take this girl to Thais, and ask her to come to dinner? (Aside, on seeing PARMENO.) But I see Parmeno, our rival’s servant, waiting before the door of Thais with a sorrowful air; all’s safe; no doubt these people are finding a cold welcome. I’m resolved to have some sport with this knave.

They fancy that, through this present,

Thais is quite their own.

With his very best wishes Gnatho greets Parmeno, his very good friend.—What are you doing?

I’m standing.[*]

So I perceive. Pray, do you see any thing here that don’t please you?

Yourself.

I believe you,—but any thing else, pray?

Why so?

Because you are out of spirits.

Not in the least.

Well, don’t be so; but what think you of this slave?

Really, not amiss.

I’ve galled the fellow.

How mistaken you are in your notion!

How far do you suppose this gift will prove acceptable to Thais?

It’s this you mean to say now, that we are discarded there. Hark you, there are vicissitudes in all things.

For the next six months, Parmeno, I’ll set you at ease; you sha’n’t have to be running to and fro, or sitting up till daylight. Don’t I make you happy?