Truculentus, or The Churl (627-685)

It’s a ticklish point; you have a longer sword there than this is (pointing to a knife in his girdle); but just let me go seek a spit, if indeed I must be having a battle with you. I’ll be off home. Warrior, for me and you I’ll choose an impartial judge.

(Aside.) But why am I delaying to betake myself off hence, while with a safe inside I may?

Give me my sandals[*], and take me at once in-doors; for my head aches shockingly from the air.

What’s to become of me, to whom the two female slaves cause ache enough, with which I presented you? (PHRONESIUM is led into the house.) Are you off then? Well thus one’s used in return. How can you possibly shut me out. (The door is slammed to.)

Prithee, can anything be more clear than that I’m now shut out? I’m finely fooled. Be it so. With how little difficulty (placing his foot against the door) might I now be persuaded to break the ankles of this entire mansion! Do the manners of covetous women change at all?

Since she has brought forth a son, she has plucked her spirit up. Now it’s as though she said to me, I neither ask you nor forbid you to come into the house. But I won’t—I shan’t go—I’ll make her to be saying in a very few days that I’m a cruel man. (To his ATTENDANTS.) Follow me this way. A word’s enough.

One morning a short time since my father ordered me to go hence, to deal out the mast for food for the oxen. After I got there a person arrived at the farmhouse (so it pleased the Gods), who was owing money to my father, who had formerly purchased some Tarentine sheep of my father;

he asked for my father; I said he was in the city; I enquired what he wanted with him. The fellow takes a purse from off his neck, and gives me twenty minae; with pleasure I receive them,

and stow them in my purse; these bad sheep[*], the minae, have I brought in my purse hither to the city.

By my troth, Mars has proved very angry with my father; for his sheep are not very far away from the wolves[*]. Now, with this one stroke shall I send adrift those finical town gallants, and be bundling them all out of doors.

My father, in the first place, I’m quite resolved to ruin, root and branch; then next in turn, my mother. Now to-day I’ll carry this money to her whom I love more than my own mother. (Goes towards the door of PHRONESIUM, and knocks.) Hillo there—is any one here? There’s not a woman. Is any one going to open this door?

Why so a stranger, pray, my dear Strabax?

Why don’t you come in at once?

Ought you to have been doing so,

you, indeed, who are so intimate?

I’ll go in then, that you mayn’t think I’m loitering.

You act obligingly.

It seems marvellous to me, that Strabax, my master’s son,

hasn’t returned from the country, unless perchance he has slily slipt in here into this den of corruption of his.

Now, faith, he’ll be roaring at me if he espies me.

I’m much less savage now, Astaphium, than I was before; I’m not churlish now; don’t thee fear. (She runs to a distance.) What wouldst thee be at? What?

What, say you? Why, I’m waiting for your churlishness.

Say, command me what thee dost please, and in what way thee dost please. I’ve got all my manners anew: my old ones I’ve parted with. I can e’en fall in love, or take a mistress now.

Upon my faith, you do tell me fine news. But tell me,

have you— ?

A mistress[*], perhaps, thee means.

You’ve understood nicely what I meant to say.

Hark you, since I’ve been so many times backwards and forwards to the city, I’ve become quite a chatterer; I’m now a right good stalker[*].

Prithee, what’s that? That’s nonsense;

perhaps you intend to mean talking.