Truculentus, or The Churl (595a-626aa)

What’s the matter?

Prithee, don’t you know?[*] He that’s yonder used to live with me; he, there, is the father of my child. He ordered it to be brought up till about a before-daylight breakfast[*]. I waited his coming, I listened to his injunctions; I attended to the child.

The good-for-nothing fellow that I knew so well, prithee, is that he?

That’s he.

He looks at me as he groans.

He heaved a sigh from the very bottom of his breast. Observe that now; he gnashes his teeth; he strikes his thigh. Prithee, is he deranged[*], that he’s beating his own self?

Now will I at once summon up my ungovernable indignation and my wrath from my breast!

(To GETA.) Say, whence are you? To whom do you belong? Why have you dared to speak rudely against me?

It’s my pleasure.

Do you answer me in that way?

In this way (snaps his fingers); I don’t care one straw for you.

What say you? Why have you dared to say that you love another man?

I chose to.

Say you so, indeed? I’ll first make trial of that. Do you, for the sake of such a shabby present,

vegetables, and comestibles, and vinegar-water, bestow your love upon an effeminate, frizzle-pated, dark-haunt frequenting, drum-drubbing debauchee[*], a fellow not worth a nutshell?

What new thing’s this? Do you dare, you rogue, to speak ill of my master, you spring-head of vice and perjury?

Add a single word to that; by the powers, I’ll that instant here with this cut you up into mincemeat upon the spot.

Only touch me; I’ll that instant be making a lamb of you on the spot, and I’ll slice you asunder in the middle.

If you have the renown of a warrior with your troops, still I’m a Mars[*] in the kitchen.

If you did the thing that’s right, you’d not be abusing my visitors, whose gifts I hold as acceptable and pleasing, and your own which I have received of you as unacceptable.

Then, i’ faith, I’m both deprived of my presents and undone as well!

Clearly it is so.

Why then are you now here, with your annoyance, who confess that you are worsted in every point?

I’ faith, I’m this day undone, if I don’t drive this fellow away from you.

Only approach this way; only step this way!

Scoundrelly fellow, threatening even? Whom this very, very, very instant I’ll be chopping up into splinters. What business have you coming here? What business have you to approach her? (Pointing to PHRONESIUM.) What business have you, I say, to be knowing my mistress? You shall die this instant if you make the slightest movement with your hand.

Why shouldn’t I move my hand?

Do as I commanded; stop; I’ll this instant cut you up into mincemeat on the spot.

I’m done for.[*]

’Twere best to be off.[*]