Truculentus, or The Churl (609_610-656)

vegetables, and comestibles, and vinegar-water, bestow your love upon an effeminate, frizzle-pated, dark-haunt frequenting, drum-drubbing debauchee[*], a fellow not worth a nutshell?

What new thing’s this? Do you dare, you rogue, to speak ill of my master, you spring-head of vice and perjury?

Add a single word to that; by the powers, I’ll that instant here with this cut you up into mincemeat upon the spot.

Only touch me; I’ll that instant be making a lamb of you on the spot, and I’ll slice you asunder in the middle.

If you have the renown of a warrior with your troops, still I’m a Mars[*] in the kitchen.

If you did the thing that’s right, you’d not be abusing my visitors, whose gifts I hold as acceptable and pleasing, and your own which I have received of you as unacceptable.

Then, i’ faith, I’m both deprived of my presents and undone as well!

Clearly it is so.

Why then are you now here, with your annoyance, who confess that you are worsted in every point?

I’ faith, I’m this day undone, if I don’t drive this fellow away from you.

Only approach this way; only step this way!

Scoundrelly fellow, threatening even? Whom this very, very, very instant I’ll be chopping up into splinters. What business have you coming here? What business have you to approach her? (Pointing to PHRONESIUM.) What business have you, I say, to be knowing my mistress? You shall die this instant if you make the slightest movement with your hand.

Why shouldn’t I move my hand?

Do as I commanded; stop; I’ll this instant cut you up into mincemeat on the spot.

I’m done for.[*]

’Twere best to be off.[*]

It’s a ticklish point; you have a longer sword there than this is (pointing to a knife in his girdle); but just let me go seek a spit, if indeed I must be having a battle with you. I’ll be off home. Warrior, for me and you I’ll choose an impartial judge.

(Aside.) But why am I delaying to betake myself off hence, while with a safe inside I may?

Give me my sandals[*], and take me at once in-doors; for my head aches shockingly from the air.

What’s to become of me, to whom the two female slaves cause ache enough, with which I presented you? (PHRONESIUM is led into the house.) Are you off then? Well thus one’s used in return. How can you possibly shut me out. (The door is slammed to.)

Prithee, can anything be more clear than that I’m now shut out? I’m finely fooled. Be it so. With how little difficulty (placing his foot against the door) might I now be persuaded to break the ankles of this entire mansion! Do the manners of covetous women change at all?

Since she has brought forth a son, she has plucked her spirit up. Now it’s as though she said to me, I neither ask you nor forbid you to come into the house. But I won’t—I shan’t go—I’ll make her to be saying in a very few days that I’m a cruel man. (To his ATTENDANTS.) Follow me this way. A word’s enough.

One morning a short time since my father ordered me to go hence, to deal out the mast for food for the oxen. After I got there a person arrived at the farmhouse (so it pleased the Gods), who was owing money to my father, who had formerly purchased some Tarentine sheep of my father;

he asked for my father; I said he was in the city; I enquired what he wanted with him. The fellow takes a purse from off his neck, and gives me twenty minae; with pleasure I receive them,

and stow them in my purse; these bad sheep[*], the minae, have I brought in my purse hither to the city.

By my troth, Mars has proved very angry with my father; for his sheep are not very far away from the wolves[*]. Now, with this one stroke shall I send adrift those finical town gallants, and be bundling them all out of doors.