Stichus, or The Parasite Rebuffed (263-327b)

Well now, are you coming or not?

Well, be off home;

tell her I’ll be there this moment; make haste and be off. (CROCOTIUM goes into the house.)

I wonder why she has requested me to be fetched to her, who has never, before this day, requested that I should be fetched to her, ever since her husband left. I wonder what it can be; except it is for some experiment to be made upon me; I’ll go see what she wants.

But see, here’s her boy, Pinacium. Look at that now; how very facetiously and just like a picture[*] does he stand? Full many a time, for sure, in good troth, has he poured out for me the wine, almost unmixed, right cleverly into a very tiny cup[*] indeed.

Mercury, who is said to be the messenger of Jove, never bore such pleasing tidings to his father, as I shall e’en now be telling to my mistress.

So loaded do I bear my breast with joy and with delight; and really I don’t care to speak a syllable but in a highflown style. The charms of all the loves and graces do I bring; my heart, too, is overleaping its banks, and overflowing with joyousness.

Now have you the means of acquiring glory, fame, and honor; make haste, Pinacium, exhort your feet to swiftness, grace your message by your deeds, and come to the rescue of your mistress in her need ⋯ who is so wretched in awaiting the arrival of her husband, Epignomus; just as becomes her does she dote upon her husband, and anxiously long for him. Now, Pinacium,

do as pleases you, run on, just as you like; take care and regard no person at the value of a straw; thrust them from the path with your elbows; make right smooth your way. If a, king shall come in your way, upset the king himself forthwith.

Why, I wonder[*], is Pinacium running so overladen with baggage[*]? He’s carrying a rod, and a basket, and a fish-hook.

But yet, I think ’tis proper that my mistress should come with entreaty to me, and that she should send envoys to me, and gifts of gold, and chariots in which for me to be borne, for I can’t go on foot. Therefore I shall now go back. (Turns back.) I think it is only proper that I should be approached and addressed with entreaties. And do you really think that it’s mere nonsense or nothing at all that I am now acquainted with?

Blessings so great am I carrying from the harbour, joys so extensive am I bringing, that hardly could my mistress herself presume to wish this of the Gods, if she were to know it. And am I to carry it, then, of my own accord? It pleases me not, nor do I think that the duty of a man. This way does it seem to be better suited to this news of mine; let her come to meet me, let her entreat me to communicate to her this news.

Haughtiness and pride befit prosperous fortunes. But, at last, when I reconsider it, how could she know that I know this? (Turning round.) Well, I can’t do otherwise than return, than speak, than relate it at length, and relieve my mistress of her grief, and both mightily increase the good deeds of my ancestors, and present her with a comfort unhoped for and opportune.

I’ll outdo the deeds of Talthybius[*], and I’ll set all messengers at nought, and at the same time I’ll think about the running at the Olympic games. But this distance[*] is far too short for the course; how sorry for it I am. How’s this? I see the door’s closed. I’ll go and knock at the door. (Knocks at the door of PHILUMENA’S house.) Open, and make haste, cause the door to be thrown open; away with all delay.

This matter is attended to too carelessly; see how long I’ve been standing here and knocking. Are you indulging yourselves with a nap? I’ll try whether the door or my arms and feet are the stronger. (Knocks and kicks.) I wish much that this door would run away from its master, that for that reason it might meet with a heavy punishment[*]. I’m tired of knocking. Well, be this the last for you.

I’ll go and accost him. (Accosts PINACIUM.) Good day to you.

And good day to you.

Are you turned fisherman, then?

How long is it since you ate?

Whence come you? What are you carrying? Why are you in a hurry?

About that which is no business of yours, don’t you trouble yourself.

What’s there in that?

Snakes, for you to eat.

Why are you so pettish?

If you had any shame, you wouldn’t address me.

May I learn the truth from you?

You may; this day you’ll get no dinner.

Who now, pray, is breaking this door down? (To GELASIMUS.) Are you doing this? Do you come to me like an enemy?

My respects to you; I come at your bidding.

And is it for that reason you are breaking down my door?