Pseudolus, or The Cheat (185-236)

Now, therefore, this is the best thing to do; for me to call you each by her name, that no one of you may be declaring to me by-and-by that her business hasn’t been told her. Give attention, all of you. In the first place, Hedylium, my business is with you—you, who are the favorite of the corn-merchants, men who have, all of them, immense mountains of wheat piled up at home;

take you care that wheat is brought here for me, to suffice this year to come for myself and all my household, and that I may so abound in corn that the city may change my name for me, and instead of the procurer Ballio proclaim me King lasions [*].

Do you hear what the gallows-bird is saying? ⋯ Doesn’t he seem a regular boaster to you?

I’ troth the fellow does, and a wicked one [*] as well. But hush now, and give attention to this.

Aeschrodora, you who have for your patrons the butchers, those rivals of the procurers, who, just like ourselves, by false oaths seek their gains, do you listen; unless the three larders shall be crammed for me this day with carcases of ample weight, to-morrow, just as they say that formerly the two sons of Jupiter fastened Dirce [*]

to the bull, aye, this day as well, will I tie you up to the larder; that, in fact, shall be your bull.

I’m quite enraged by the talk of this fellow;

that we should suffer the youth of Attica to encourage here [*] this fellow! Where are they—where are they skulking, they of mature age, who have their amorous dealings with this procurer? Why don’t they meet? Why don’t they one and all deliver the public from this pestilence?

But I am very simple, and very ignorant; they would venture, of course, to do that to those, to whom their passions compel them, to their misfortune, to be subservient, and, at the same time, prevent them from doing that against them which they would rather wish to do.

Hush!

What’s the matter?

Pshaw! you are not very obliging. Why are you drowning his talk [*] by your noise?

I’ll be silent.

But I’d much rather you would be silent, than that you should say you will be silent.

And you,

Xystilis, take you care and give me your attention—you whose fanciers have large quantities of oil at home. If oil shall not be brought me here forthwith in leathern bags, I’ll to-morrow cause yourself to be carried off in a leathern bag to the prostitutes’ shambles [*].

There a bed shall be given you, I warrant, where you can have no rest, but where, even to downright fainting— You understand what’s the tendency of that which I’m saying? Will you tell me, you viper you, you who have so many of your fanciers so right well laden with their oil,

is now the head of any one of your fellow-slaves a bit the better anointed by your means, or do I, myself, get my dainty morsels a bit the better seasoned with oil [*] for it? But I understand— you don’t care much about oil; with wine you anoint yourself. Only wait a bit; by my troth I’ll punish you for all at one spell, unless indeed this day you contrive to manage all these things that I’ve been speaking of.

But as for you, Phœnicium, I tell you this, you pet of the mighty men—you who have been for so long a time always paying down to me your money for your liberty—you who only know how to promise, but don’t know how to pay what you have promised; unless this day all your keep is brought me here out of the stores of your customers, to-morrow, Phœnicium, with a true Phœnician hide [*], you’ll pay a visit to the strumpets’ shambles.

Pseudolus, don’t you hear what he says?

I hear it, master, and I give good heed.

What do you advise me to send him, that he mayn’t devote my mistress to dishonor?

Don’t you trouble yourself about that; be of cheerful mind. I’ll manage for myself and for you. For some time past I’ve been on terms of goodwill with him, and he with me; and our friendship is of old standing. I’ll send him this day, on his birthday, a mischief heavy and well-matured.

What’s the plan?

Can’t you attend to something else?

But—

Tut.

I’m distracted.

Harden your heart.

I cannot.