Mostellaria, or The Haunted House (653-695)

Young man, transact the business with me.

I’m to ask it of you, you mean?

Come for it to-morrow.

I’ll be off, then; I’m quite satisfied if I get it tomorrow.

A plague may all the Gods and Goddesses send upon him! so utterly has he disarranged my plans. On my word, no class of men is there more disgusting, or less acquainted with fair dealing than the banking race.

In what neighbourhood did my son buy this house?

Just see that, now! I’m undone!

Are you going to tell me that which I ask you?

I’ll tell you; but I’m thinking what was the name of the owner.

Well, call it to mind, then.

What am I to do now, except put the lie upon this neighbour of ours next door? I’ll say that his son has bought that house.

I’ faith, I’ve heard say that a lie piping-hot is the best lie; this is piping-hot; although it is at a distance off, it scorches badly. Whatever the Gods dictate, that am I determined to say.

Well now? Have you recollected it by this?

May the Gods confound that fellow!—no this other fellow, rather.

(To THEUROPIDES.) Your son has bought the house of this next-door neighbour of yours.

In real truth?

If, indeed, you are going to pay down the money, then in real truth; if you are not going to pay it, in real truth he has not bought it.

He hasn’t bought it in a very good situation.

Why yes, in a very good one.

I’ faith, I should like to look over this house; just knock at the door, and call some one to you from within, Tranio.

Why just look now, again I don’t know what I’m to say. Once more, now, are the surges bearing me upon the self-same rock. What now? I’ faith, I can’t discover what I am now to do; I’m caught in the fact.

Just call some one out of doors;

ask him to show us round.

Hallo there, you! (Turning round) But there are ladies here; we must first see whether they are willing or unwilling.

You say what’s good and proper; just make enquiry, and ask. I’ll wait here outside until you come out.

May all the Gods and Goddesses utterly confound you, old gentleman!

in such a fashion are you thwarting my artful plans in every way. Bravo! very good! Look, Simo himself, the owner of the house, is coming out of doors. I’ll step aside here, until I have convened the senate of council in my mind. Then, when I’ve discovered what I am to do, I’ll join him. (THEUROPIDES and TRANIO stand at a distance from SIMO’s house, in opposite directions, THEUROPIDES being out of sight.)

I’ve not enjoyed myself better at home this year than I have to-day, nor has at any time any meal pleased me better. My wife provided a very nice breakfast for me; now she bids me go take a nap. By no means! It instantly struck me that it didn’t so happen by chance.

She provided a better breakfast than is her wont; and then, the old lady wanted to draw me away to my chamber. Sleep is not good[*] after breakfast—out upon it! I secretly stole away from the house, out of doors. My wife, I’m sure, is now quite bursting with rage at home.