Mostellaria, or The Haunted House (403-454_455)

And let no one answer, when the old gentleman knocks at the door.

Anything else?

Order the master-key[*] of the house

to be brought me at once from within; this house I’ll lock here on the outside.

To your charge I commit myself, Tranio, and my hopes. (He goes into the house, and the things are removed from the stage.)

It matters not a feather whether a patron or a dependant is the nearest at hand for that man who has got no courage in his breast.

For to every man, whether very good or very bad, even at a moment’s notice, it is easy to act with craft; but this must be looked to, this is the duty of a prudent man, that what has been planned and done in craftiness, may all come about smoothly and without mishap;

so that he may not have to put up with anything by reason of which he might be loth to live; just as I shall manage, that, from the confusion which we shall here create, all shall really go on smoothly and tranquilly, and not produce us any inconvenience in the results. (Enter a BOY, from the house.) But, why have you come out?

I’m undone!

(The BOY shows him the key.) O very well, you’ve obeyed my orders most opportunely.

He bade me most earnestly to entreat you some way or other to scare away his father, that he may not enter the house.

Even more, tell him this, that I’ll cause that he shan’t venture even to look at the house, and to take to flight, covering up his head[*] with the greatest alarm.

Give me the key (taking it), and be off in-doors, and shut to the door, and I’ll lock it on this side. (The BOY goes into the house, and TRANIO locks the door.) Bid him now come forthwith. For the old gentleman here while still alive this day will I institute games[*] in his presence, such as I fancy there will never be for him when he’s dead. (Moving away.) I’ll go away from the door to this spot; hence, I’ll look out afar

in which direction to lay the burden on the old fellow on his arrival. (Exit to a little distance.)

Neptune, I do return extreme thanks to thee that thou hast just dismissed me from thee, though scarce alive. But if, from this time forward, thou shalt only know that I have stirred a foot upon the main, there is no reason why, that instant,

thou shouldst not do with me that which thou hast now wished to do. Away with you, away with you from me henceforth for ever after to-day; what I was to entrust to thee, all of it have I now entrusted. (overhearing him.)

By my troth, Neptune, you’ve been much to blame, to have lost this opportunity so fair.

After three years, I’ve arrived home from Aegypt. I shall come a welcome guest to my household, I suppose.

Upon my faith, he might have come a much more welcome one, who had brought the tidings you were dead.

But what means this? Is the door shut in the daytime?

I’ll knock. (Knocks at the door.) Hallo, there! is any one going to open this door for me?

What person is it that has come so near to our house?

Surely this is my servant Tranio.

O Theuropides, my master, welcome; I’m glad that you’ve arrived in safety. Haveyou been well all along?

All along, as you see.

That’s very good.

What about yourselves? Are you all mad?

Why so?

For this reason; because you are walking about outside; not a born person is keeping watch in the house, either to open or to give an answer. With kicking with my feet I’ve almost broken in the pannels?

How now? Have you been touching this house?