Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain (86-180)

Alazon is the name[*], in Greek, of this Comedy; the same we call in Latin, the Braggart (Gloriosus). This city is Ephesus; then, the Captain, my master, who has gone off hence to the Forum, a bragging, impudent,

stinking fellow, brimful of lying and lasciviousness, says that all the women are following him of their own accord. Wherever he goes, he is the laughing.stock of all; and so, the Courtesans here—since they make wry mouths at him, you may see the greater part of them with lips all awry.

I wish you now to know this, how I came to be his slave, from him to whom I was servant before; for ’tis not long that I have been in slavery to him. Give your attention, for now I will begin the argument. A very worthy young man at Athens was my master.

He was in love with a Courtesan, brought up at Athens, in Attica, and she on the other hand loved him; such affection is most worthy to be cherished. In the public service, he was sent to Naupactus [*] as Ambassador on behalf of that mighty republic. In the mean time, by chance, this Captain came to Athens.

He introduced himself to this lady of my master, began to cajole her mother with presents of wine, trinkets, and costly treats; and so the Captain made himself on intimate terms with the procuress. As soon as ever an opportunity was presented for this Captain,

he tricked this procuress, the mother of the damsel, whom my master loved. For, unknown to her mother, he put the daughter on board ship, and carried this woman, against her will, hither to Ephesus. Soon as I knew that the lady of my master was carried off from Athens,

as quickly as ever I was able, I procured for myself a ship: I embarked, that I might carry tidings of this matter to my master at Naupactum. When we had got out to sea, some pirates, as they had hoped to do, took that ship on board of which I was; thus I was undone before I reached my master, for whom I had commenced to proceed on my voyage.

He that took me, gave me as a present to this same Captain. After he had taken me home to his own house, I saw there that favorite of my master who lived at Athens. When, on the other hand, she perceived me, she gave me a sign with her eyes not to address her by name. Afterwards, when there was an opportunity,

the damsel complained to me of her hard fate. She said that she wished to escape to Athens from this house, that she was attached to him, that master of mine who lived at Athens, and that she had never hated any one more thoroughly than this same Captain. As I discovered the feelings of the damsel,

I took tablets, sealed them in private, and gave them to a certain merchant to carry to him (my master, I mean, who was at Athens, and who had so loved her), in order that he might come hither. He did not slight the message, for he both is come, and is lodging here next door,

with his host, a friend of his father’s, a nice old man. He, too, gives every assistance to his guest in his amour, and encourages and seconds us with his help and his advice. Therefore, here (pointing to the CAPTAIN’S house), in-doors, I have found a grand contrivance, by which to cause these lovers, each, to meet the other.

For one room, which the Captain gave to his mistress for no one but herself to set foot in, in that same room I have dug a hole through the party-wall, in order that there may secretly be an ingress for the damsel from the one house to the other. And this I have done with the knowledge of the old gentleman; ’twas he that gave the advice.

But my fellow-servant, whom the Captain has given as a keeper to his mistress, is a person of no great worth. By clever contrivances and ingenious devices, we will throw dust [*] in his eyes, and we will make him so as not to see what he really does see.

And that you may not hereafter make mistakes, this damsel to-day, in this house and in that, will perform in turn a double part, and will be the same, but will pretend to be another, person. Thus will the keeper of the damsel be gulled. But there is a noise[*] at the door here of the old gentleman, our neighbour.

’Tis himself coming out ’tis he, the nice old man that I was speaking of.

Faith, if you don’t in future smash his ankle-bones for any stranger that you see on my tiles, I will cut you so with lashes as to make thongs of your sides. My neighbours, i’ faith, are overlookers of what is going on in my own house; so often are they peeping down through the skylight[*]. And now, therefore, I give you all notice,

whatever person of this Captain’s household you shall see upon our tiles, except Palaestrio only, push him headlong here into the street. Suppose he says that he is following some hen, or pigeon, or monkey; woe be to you, if you don’t badly maul the fellow even to death. And so, that they may commit no infringement against the laws of dice[*],

do you take good care that they keep holiday at home without any ankle-bones at all.

Something amiss,—what, I know not, has been done him by our family so far as I can hear, inasmuch as the old man has ordered the ankles of my fellow-servants to be broken. But he has excepted me; nothing care I what he does to the rest of them. I’ll accost the old man. (Advances.)

The person that is coming this way, is he coming towards me? He comes as if he was coming to me.

How do you do, Periplecomenus?

There are not many men, if I were to wish, whom I would rather now see and meet with than yourself.

What’s the matter? What disturbance have you with our family?

We are done for.

What’s the matter?

The thing’s discovered.

What thing’s discovered?

Some one just now of your household was looking in from the tiles

through our skylight at Philocomasium and my guest as they were toying together.

What person saw it?

Your fellow-servant.

Which person was it?

I don’t know; he took himself off so suddenly—in an instant.

I suspect I’m ruined.

When he went away, I cried: Hallo! you sir! said I, what are you doing upon the tiles? As he went away he replied to me in these terms, that he was following a stray’d monkey.

Woe to wretched me! that I must be ruined for a worthless beast. But is Philocomasium there with you even still?