Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain (35-80)

and whatever lie he shall tell, to it I must agree.

What was it I was saying?

O, I know what you were going to say just now. I’ faith ’twas bravely done; I remember its being done.

What was that?

Whatever it was you were going to say.

Have you got your tablets[*]?

Are you intending to enlist[*]? I have them, and a pen as well.

How cleverly you do suit your mind to my own mind.

’Tis fit that I should know your inclinations studiously, so that whatever you wish should first occur[*] to me.

What do you remember?

I do remember this. In Cilicia there were a hundred and fifty men, a hundred in Cryphiolathronia [*], thirty at Sardis, sixty men of Macedon,

whom you slaughtered altogether in one day.

What is the sum total of those men?

Seven thousand.

It must be as much: you keep the reckoning well.

Yet I have none of them written down; still, so I remember it was.

By my troth, you have a right good memory.

’Tis the flesh-pots [*] give it a fillip.

So long as you shall do such as you have done hitherto, you shall always have something to eat: I will always make you a partaker at my table.

Besides, in Cappadocia, you would have killed five hundred men altogether at one blow, had not your sabre been blunt.

I let them live, because I was quite sick of fighting.

Why should I tell you what all mortals know, that you, Pyrgopolinices, live alone upon the earth, with valour, beauty, and achievements most unsurpassed? All the women are in love with you, and that not without reason, since you are so handsome. Witness those girls that pulled me by my mantle yesterday.

What was it they said to you?

They questioned me about you. Is Achilles here? says one to me. No, says I, his brother is. Then says the other to me: By my troth, but he is a handsome and a noble man. See how his long hair becomes him.

Certainly the women are lucky who share his favours.

And pray, did they really say so?

They both entreated me to bring you past to-day by way of a sight[*] to them.

’Tis really a very great plague to be too handsome a man.

They are quite a nuisance to me; they are praying, entreating, beseeching me,

to let them see you; bidding me be fetched to them; so that I can’t give my attention to your business.

It seems that it is time for us to go to the Forum, that I may count out their pay to those soldiers whom I have enlisted of late.

For King Seleucus [*] entreated me with most earnest suit that I would raise and enlist recruits for him. To that business have I resolved to devote my attention this day.

Come, let’s be going then.

Guards, follow me.

To tell the subject of this our play, I have all willingness,

if you will but have the kindness to listen to it. But he who does not wish to listen, let him arise and go out, that there may be room where he may sit who does wish to listen. Now I will disclose to you both the subject and the name of the play which we are just now about to act, and for the sake of which you are now seated in this mirthful place[*],