Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain (680-763)

I could have married a dowered wife of the best family; but I don’t choose to introduce an everlasting female barker at me into my house.

Why don’t you choose? For ’tis a delightful thing to be the father of children [liberos].

Troth, ’tis very much sweeter by far to be free[*] [liberum] yourself.

For a good wife, if it is possible for her to be married anywhere on earth, where can I find her? But am I to take one home who is never to say this to me, Buy me some wool, my dear, with which a soft and warm cloak may be made, and good winter under-clothes[*], that you mayn’t catch cold this winter-weather; such an expression as this you can never hear from a wife,

but, before the cocks crow, she awakes me from my sleep, and says, Give me some money, my dear, with which to make my mother a present on the Calends[*], give me some money to make preserves; give me something to give on the Quinquatrus[*] to the sorceress[*], to the woman who interprets the dreams, to the prophetess, and to the female diviner;

besides, ’tis impossible for me, in civility, not to fee the expiating woman; for long has [*] the mattress-maker[*] been grumbling, because she has received nothing; besides, the midwife found fault with me, that too little had been sent for her. What! arn’t you going to send something to the nurse that brings up the young slaves[*]? It’s a shame if nothing’s sent her; with what a brow[*] she does look at me. These and many other expenses of the women like to these

frighten me from a wife, to be uttering speeches to me like to this.

In good sooth, the Gods are propitious to you; for so soon as you lose this liberty, you will not easily reinstate yourself in the same condition.

You are a person who are able to counsel wisely both for another and for yourself. But ’tis some merit for a man of noble family and of ample wealth to rear children—a memorial of his race and of himself.

Since I have many relations, what need have I of children? Now I live well and happily, and as I like, and as contents my feelings. For I shall bequeath my property to my relations, and divide it among them. These, like children, pay attentions to me; they come to see how I do, or what I want; before it is daybreak they are with me; they make inquiry how I have enjoyed my sleep in the night.

Them will I have for children who are ever sending presents to me. Are they sacrificing—they give a greater part of it to me than to themselves; they take me home with them to share the entrails[*]; they invite me to their houses to breakfast and to dinner. He thinks himself most unfortunate, who has sent but very little to me. They vie with one another with their presents; I say in a low voice to myself:

They are gaping after my property; while, in their emulation, they are nourishing me and loading me with presents.

Upon right good grounds and right well do you fully understand yourself and your own interests, and if you are happy, sons twofold and threefold have you.

Troth, if I had had them, enough anxiety should I have had from my children.

⋯ I should have been everlastingly tormented in mind; but if perchance one had had a fever, I think I should have died. Or if one, in liquor, had tumbled anywhere from his horse, I should have been afraid that he had broken his legs or neck on that occasion.

’Tis right that riches should come, and that long life should be granted to this man, who both husbands his property and yet enjoys himself and has kind wishes for his friends.

O what a delightful person! So may the Gods and Goddesses prosper me, ’twere right the Deities should so ordain that all should not live after one rule as to the duration of life. Just as he who is a trusty market-officer[*] sets their prices on the wares; as that which is good or valuable is sold according to its excellence, and that which is worthless, according to the faultiness of the commodity, deprives its owner of its price;

so were it right that the Gods should portion out the life of man, so as to give to him who is kindly disposed a long life, and speedily to deprive of existence those who are reprobate and wicked. If they had provided this, bad men would both have been fewer, and with less hardihood would they do their wicked deeds; and then,

those who were good men, of them there would have been a more plenteous harvest.

He who would blame the ordinances of the Gods must be foolish and ignorant. ⋯ At present we must at once have an end of these matters; for new I want to go to market, that, my guest, according to your own deserts and mine, I may entertain you hospitably at my house, heartily and with right hearty cheer.

I am content with[*] the expense that I have been to you already. For no guest can be thus hospitably entertained by a friend, but that when he has been there three days running, he must now become a bore; but when he is prolonging his stay for ten successive days, he is a nuisance to the household. Although the master willingly allows it, the servants grumble.

I have trained up the servants that are in my service, my guest, not to rule over me, or for me to be obedient to them. If that is disagreable to them which is agreable to me, I steer my own course[*]; that which they don’t like must still be done at their peril, and whether they like it or no. Now, as I intended, I shall go to market.

If you are resolved,

do cater somewhat within bounds, at no great expense; anything is enough for me[*].

Won’t you now[*] have done with that old-fashioned and antiquated talk? Now surely, guest, you are using the cant of the vulgar[*]. For they are in the habit of saying, when they have taken their places, when dinner is put on table: What necessity was there for you to go to this great expense on out account?

Surely you were mad, for this same dinner was enough for ten persons. What has been provided on their account they find fault with; they eat it up, however.

Troth, in that self-same fashion ’tis generally done. How clever and shrewd is his discernment.

But these same persons never say, although such an abundance has been provided, Do order that to be taken off; do take away this dish; remove this gammon of bacon, I’ll have none of it;

put aside that piece of pork; this conger’s good[*] when cold; remove it, take and put it aside. You hear none of them saying this in earnest, but they stretch themselves out, while with half their bodies[*] on the table, they are indulging their appetite.

How cleverly the good soul has described their bad manners.