Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain (286-310)

The Gods confound you!

That befits yourself, since you began the conversation.

By chance, as it happened, I looked down there through the skylight, into the next house; and there I saw Philocomasium toying with some strange young man, I know not whom.

What scandalous thing is this I hear of you, Sceledrus?

I’ faith, I did see her, beyond a doubt.

What, yourself?

Yes, I myself, with these eyes of mine.

Get away, it isn’t likely what you say, nor did you see her.

Do I, then, appear to you as if I were purblind?

’Twere better for you to ask the doctor about that. But, indeed, if the Gods only love you, don’t you rashly father this[*] idle story. Now are you breeding thence a fatal dilemma for your legs and head;

for, in two ways, the cause is contrived for you to be ruined, unless you put a check upon your foolish chattering.

But how, two ways?

I’ll tell you. First then, if you falsely accuse Philocomasium, by that you are undone; in the next place, if it is true, having been appointed her keeper, there you are undone.

What may happen to me, I know not; I know for certain that I did see this.

Do you persist in it, unfortunate wretch?

What would you have me say to you, but that I did see her? Moreover, she is in there, next door, at this very moment.

What! Isn’t she at home?

Go and see. Go in-doors yourself; for I don’t ask now for any confidence to be put in me.

I’m determined to do so.

I’ll wait here for you.

In this direction will I be on the watch for her,[*] how soon the heifer may betake herself from the pasture this way towards her stall.

What now shall I do? The Captain gave me to her as her keeper. Now, if I make a discovery, I’m undone; if I am silent, still I am undone, if this should be discovered. What is there more abandoned or more daring than a woman? While I was upon the tiles, this woman betook herself out of doors from her dwelling. By my troth, ’twas a brazen act she did. If, now, the Captain were to know of this,

i’ faith, I believe he would pull down the whole entire house next door, and me he would send to the gibbet.[*] Whatever comes of it, i’ faith, I’ll hold my tongue rather than come to a bad end. I cannot keep effectual guard on a woman that puts herself up for sale.