Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain (135-177)

with his host, a friend of his father’s, a nice old man. He, too, gives every assistance to his guest in his amour, and encourages and seconds us with his help and his advice. Therefore, here (pointing to the CAPTAIN’S house), in-doors, I have found a grand contrivance, by which to cause these lovers, each, to meet the other.

For one room, which the Captain gave to his mistress for no one but herself to set foot in, in that same room I have dug a hole through the party-wall, in order that there may secretly be an ingress for the damsel from the one house to the other. And this I have done with the knowledge of the old gentleman; ’twas he that gave the advice.

But my fellow-servant, whom the Captain has given as a keeper to his mistress, is a person of no great worth. By clever contrivances and ingenious devices, we will throw dust [*] in his eyes, and we will make him so as not to see what he really does see.

And that you may not hereafter make mistakes, this damsel to-day, in this house and in that, will perform in turn a double part, and will be the same, but will pretend to be another, person. Thus will the keeper of the damsel be gulled. But there is a noise[*] at the door here of the old gentleman, our neighbour.

’Tis himself coming out ’tis he, the nice old man that I was speaking of.

Faith, if you don’t in future smash his ankle-bones for any stranger that you see on my tiles, I will cut you so with lashes as to make thongs of your sides. My neighbours, i’ faith, are overlookers of what is going on in my own house; so often are they peeping down through the skylight[*]. And now, therefore, I give you all notice,

whatever person of this Captain’s household you shall see upon our tiles, except Palaestrio only, push him headlong here into the street. Suppose he says that he is following some hen, or pigeon, or monkey; woe be to you, if you don’t badly maul the fellow even to death. And so, that they may commit no infringement against the laws of dice[*],

do you take good care that they keep holiday at home without any ankle-bones at all.

Something amiss,—what, I know not, has been done him by our family so far as I can hear, inasmuch as the old man has ordered the ankles of my fellow-servants to be broken. But he has excepted me; nothing care I what he does to the rest of them. I’ll accost the old man. (Advances.)

The person that is coming this way, is he coming towards me? He comes as if he was coming to me.

How do you do, Periplecomenus?

There are not many men, if I were to wish, whom I would rather now see and meet with than yourself.

What’s the matter? What disturbance have you with our family?

We are done for.

What’s the matter?

The thing’s discovered.

What thing’s discovered?

Some one just now of your household was looking in from the tiles

through our skylight at Philocomasium and my guest as they were toying together.

What person saw it?

Your fellow-servant.

Which person was it?

I don’t know; he took himself off so suddenly—in an instant.