Menaechmi, or The Twin Brothers (954-1015b)

They shall be here this instant. Do you keep an eye on him, Doctor.

Why, no, I shall go home

that the things may be got ready, which are necessary to be prepared. Bid your servants carry him to my house.

I’ll make him be there just now.

I’m off.

Farewell.

My father-in-law is gone, the Doctor is gone; I’m alone. O Jupiter! Why is it that these people say I’m mad? Why, in fact, since I was born, I have never for a single day been ill.

I’m neither mad, nor do I commence strifes or quarrels. In health myself, I see others well; I know people, I address them. Is it that they who falsely say I’m mad, are mad themselves? What shall I do now? I wish to go home; but my wife doesn’t allow me; and here (pointing to EROTIUM’S house) no one admits me. Most unfortunately has this fallen out.

Here will I still remain; at night, at least, I shall be let into the house, I trust.

This is the proof of a good servant, who takes care of his master’s business, looks after it, arranges it, thinks about it, in the absence of his master diligently to attend to the affairs of his master, as much so as if he himself were present, or even better.

It is proper that his back[*] should be of more consequence than his appetite, his legs than his stomach, whose heart is rightly placed. Let him bear in mind, those who are good for nothing, what reward is given them by their masters—lazy, worthless fellows. Stripes, fetters,

the mill, weariness, hunger, sharp cold; these are the rewards of idleness. This evil do I terribly stand in awe of. Wherefore ’tis sure that to be good is better than to be bad. Much more readily do I submit to words, stripes I do detest; and I eat what is ground much more readily than supply it ground by myself[*].

Therefore do I obey the command of my master, carefully and diligently do I observe it; and in such manner do I pay obedience, as I think is for the interest of my back. And that course does profit me. Let others be just as they take it to be their interest; I shall be just as I ought to be.

If I adhere to that, I shall avoid faultiness; so that I am in readiness for my master on all occasions, I shall not be much afraid. The time is near, when, for these deeds of mine, my master will give his reward.

After I had deposited the goods and the servants in the inn, as he ordered me, thus am I come to meet him. (Going to the door of EROTIUM’S house.) Now I’ll knock at the door, that he may know that I’m here, and that out of this thick wood[*] of peril I may get my master safe out of doors. But I’m afraid that I’m come too late, after the battle has been fought.

By Gods and men, I tell you prudently to pay regard to my commands, as to what I have commanded and do command. Take care that this person is carried at once upon your shoulders to the surgery, unless, indeed, you set no value upon your legs or your sides. Take care each of you to regard at a straw whatever threats he shall utter.

What are you standing for? Why are you hesitating? By this you ought to have had him carried off on your shoulders. I’ll go to the Doctor; I’ll be there ready when you shall come. (Exit. The SERVANTS gather around MENAECHMUS.)

I’m undone. What business is this? Why are these men running towards me, pray? What do you want? What do you seek? Why do you stand around me? (They seize and drag him.) Whither are you dragging me? Whither are you carrying me? I’m undone. I entreat your assistance,

citizens, men of Epidamnus, come and help me. (To the men.) Why don’t you let me go?

O ye immortal Gods, I beseech you, what do I behold with my eyes? Some fellows, I know not who, are most disgracefully carrying off my master upon their shoulders.

Who is it that ventures to bring me aid?

I, master, and right boldly. (Aloud.) O shameful and scandalous deed, citizens of Epidamnus, for my master,

here in a town enjoying peace, to be carried off, in daylight, in the street, who came to you a free man. Let him go.

Prithee, whoever you are, do lend me your aid, and don’t suffer so great an outrage to be signally committed against me.

Aye, I’ll give you my aid, and I’ll defend you, and zealously succour you. I’ll never let you come to harm; ’tis fitter that I myself should come to harm.

I’ll now make a sowing on the faces of these fellows, and there I’ll plant my fists. I’ faith, you’re carrying this person off this day at your own extreme hazard. Let him go. (He lays about him.)

I’ve got hold of this fellow’s eye.

Make the socket of his eye be seen in his head.

You rascals! you villains! you robbers!

We are undone. Troth, now, prithee, do—