Menaechmi, or The Twin Brothers (843-879_880)

O me! They say I’m mad, whereas they of themselves are mad.

How he yawns, as he stretches himself. What am I to do now, my father?

Step this way, my daughter, as far as ever you can from him.

What is there better for me than, since they say I’m mad, to pretend that I am mad, that I may frighten them away from me? (He dances about.)

Evoë, Bacchus, ho! Bromius[*], in what forest dost thou invite me to the chase? I hear thee, but I cannot get away from this spot, so much does this raving mad female cur watch me on the left side. And behind there is that other old he-goat, who many a time in his life has proved the destruction of an innocent fellow-citizen by his false testimony.

Woe to your head.

Lo! by his oracle, Apollo bids me burn out her eyes with blazing torches.

I’m undone, my father; he’s threatening to burn my eyes out.

Hark you, daughter.

What’s the matter? What are we to do?

What if I call the servants out here?

I’ll go bring some to take him away hence, and bind him at home, before he makes any further disturbance.

So now; I think now if I don’t adopt some plan for myself, these people will be carrying me off home to their house. (Aloud.) Dost thou forbid me to spare my fists at all upon her face, unless she does at once get out of my sight to utter and extreme perdition?

I will do what thou dost bid me, Apollo.

Away with you home as soon as possible, lest he should knock you down.

I’m off. Watch him, my father, I entreat you, that he mayn’t go anywhere hence. Am I not a wretched woman to hear these things?

I’ve got rid of her not so badly. (Aloud.) Now as for this most filthy, long-bearded, palsied Tithonus, who is said to have had Cygnus for his father[*],

you bid me break in pieces his limbs, and bones, and members with that walking-stick which he himself is holding.

Punishment shall be inflicted if you touch me indeed, or if you come nearer to me.

I will do what thou dost bid me; I will take a two-edged axe, and I will hew this old fellow to his very bones, and I will chop his entrails into mincemeat.

Why really against that must I take care and precaution. As he threatens, I’m quite in dread of him, lest he should do me some mischief.

Many things dost thou bid me do, Apollo. Now thou dost order me to take the yoked horses, unbroke and fierce, and to mount the chariot, that I may crush to pieces this aged, stinking, toothless lion.

Now have I mounted the chariot; now do I hold the reins; now is the whip in my hand. Speed onward, ye steeds, let the sound of your hoofs be heard; in your swift course let the rapid pace of your feet[*] be redoubled.

Are you threatening me with your yoked steeds?

Lo! again, Apollo, thou dost bid me to make an onset against him who is standing here, and to murder him.

But what person is this that is tearing me hence by the hair down from the chariot? He revokes thy commands and the decree of Apollo.

Alas! a severe and obstinate malady, i’ faith. By our trust in you, ye Gods ⋯ even this person who is now mad, how well he was a little time since. All on a sudden has so great a distemper attacked him.

I’ll go now and fetch a physician as fast as I can.

Prithee, are these persons gone now out of my sight, who are compelling me by force, while in my wits, to be mad? Why do I delay to be off to the ship, while I can in safety? ⋯

And all of you (to the SPECTATORS), if the old gentleman should return, I beg not to tell him, now, by what street I fled away hence.