Menaechmi, or The Twin Brothers (560-608c)

when my husband secretly pilfers whatever’s in the house, and carries it thence off to his mistress?

Why don’t you hold your peace? I’ll let you now catch him in the fact; do you only follow me this way. (They go to the opposite side of the stage.) In a state of drunkenness, with a chaplet on, he was carrying the mantle to the embroiderer’s, which he purloined from you at home to-day.

But see, here is the chaplet which he had on. (Seeing the chaplet on the ground.) Now am I saying false? Aha, this way has he gone, if you wish to trace his footsteps. And, by my faith, see, here he comes on his way back most opportunely, but he isn’t wearing the mantle.

What now shall I do to him?

The same as usual; abuse him.

So I am resolved.[*]

Let’s step aside this way watch him from ambush. (They retire on one side.)

How we do practise a custom here that is very foolish and extremely troublesome, and how even those who are the most worthy and great[*] do follow this habit: all wish their dependants to be many in number;

whether they are deserving or undeserving, about that they don’t enquire. Their property is more enquired about, than what the reputation of their clients is for honor. If any person is poor and not dishonest, he is considered worthless; but if a rich man is dishonest, he is considered a good client.

Those who neither regard laws nor any good or justice at all, the same have zealous patrons. What has been entrusted to them, they deny to have been so entrusted; men full of litigation, rapacious, and fraudulent; who have acquired their property either by usury or by perjury; their whole pleasure is in litigation.

When the day for trial is appointed, at the same time it is mentioned to their patrons, in order that they may plead for them, about what they have done amiss. Before the people[*], or at law before the Praetor, or before the Aedile, is the cause tried. Just so, this day, a certain dependant has kept me very much engaged, nor was it allowed me to do what I wished, or in company with whom I wished; so fast did he stick to me, so much did he detain me.

Before the Aedile, in behalf of his doings, very many and very disgraceful, did I plead his cause; a compromise I obtained, obscure and perplexed—more than enough I said, and than I needed to say, that surety for him[*] might end this litigation. What did he do? Well, what? He gave bail. And never did I at any time see any person more clearly detected;

three very adverse witnesses against all his misdeeds were there. May all the Gods confound him, he has so spoilt this day for me; and myself as well, who ever this day beheld the Forum with my eyes. I ordered a breakfast to be prepared; my mistress is expecting me, I’m sure; as soon as ever I had the opportunity,

I made haste immediately to leave the Forum. Now, I suppose, she’s angry with me; the mantle, however, will appease her that I gave her, the one I took away to-day from my wife and carried to Erotium here.

What say you now?

That I’m unfortunately married to a worthless fellow.

Do you perfectly hear what he says?

Quite well.

If I am wise, I shall be going hence in-doors, where it may be comfortable for me.

Stop; on the contrary, it shall be uncomfortable.

⋯ she is very sorrowful; this doesn’t quite please me, but I’ll speak to her.

Tell me, my wife, what is it amiss with you?

The pretty fellow’s soothing you.

Can’t you cease being annoying to me? Did I address you?

Take yourself off—

away with your caresses from me.

Do you persist in it?

Why are you offended with me?

You ought to know.

The rascal knows, but he pretends not to know.