Curculio, or The Forgery (279b-315c)

I think it’s as well.

Known or unknown, make way for me, while here I execute my commission; fly all of you, be off, and get out of the way, lest I should hurt any person in my speed with my head, or elbow, or breast, or with my knee. So suddenly now am I charged with a business of quickness and despatch. And be there no person ever so opulent to stop me in my way,

neither general[*], nor any tyrant[*], nor market-officer[*], nor demarch[*] nor comarch[*], with their honors so great, but that down he goes, and tumbles head first from the footpath into the carriage-road. And then those Grecians with their cloaks, who walk about with covered heads, who go loaded beneath their cloaks with books, and with baskets[*],

they loiter together, and engage in gossipping among themselves, the gad-abouts[*]; you may always see them enjoying themselves in the hot liquor-shops[*]; when they have scraped up some trifle, with their covered pates they are drinking mulled wine, sad and maudlin they depart: if I stumble upon them here,

from every single one of them I’ll squeeze out a belch from their pearled-barley diet[*]. And then those servants of your dainty townsmen[*], who are playing at catch-ball in the road, both throwers and catchers, all of them I’ll pitch under foot. Would they avoid a mishap, why then, let them keep at home.

He points out aright, he only requires that he should speak with authority; for such manners are in vogue in the present day,

such at present are the slaves; really, control cannot be held over them.

Is there any one, I wonder, who can point out to me Phaedromus, my good Genius? The matter is of such pressing nature, I really must meet with the man this instant.

He’s looking for you.

What if we accost him? (Aloud.) Hallo! Curculio, I want you.

Who’s calling me? Who’s mentioning my name?

One who wishes to meet with you.

You don’t wish more for me than I wish for you.

O my own ready occasion, Curculio, much longed-for, greetings to you.

Greetings to you.

I’m glad that you have arrived safe; give me your right hand. How stand my hopes? Troth now, prithee, do speak out.

To you, troth now, prithee, do speak out, how stand my own. (Makes curious gestures.)

What’s the matter with you?

A dimness is beginning to come, my knees are failing through fasting.

I’ faith, through lassitude, I think.

Support me, prithee, do support me.

See how pale he has turned; will you give him a seat, for him to be seated at once, and an ewer with some water? Will you make haste, this very instant?

I’m faint.

Would you like some water?

If it’s full of bits[*] of meat, prithee, give it me to swallow down, i’ faith.

Woe be to that head of yours.

Troth now, prithee do give me cause to rejoice at my arrival[*].

By all means.

Prithee, what’s this you’re about.

Some air.