Bacchides, or The Twin Sisters (945-980)

To this silly old man of ours, in fact, I give the name of Ilium; the Captain is Menelaüs; I, Agamemnon; I, too, am Ulysses, the son of Laërtes; Mnesilochus is Alexander[*], who will be the destruction of his father’s fortunes; he has borne off the Helen, on whose account I am now carrying on the siege of Ilium. For there I have heard say that Ulysses was both bold and full of mischief, just as I am.

I have been detected in my tricks—he, discovered in a beggar’s guise, had almost perished, while he was spying out there the doings of the Trojans. Similarly has it happened to myself to-day. I have been bound, but by my devices I have redeemed myself; he, too, preserved himself by artifice. I have heard that there were three destinies[*] attending Troy, which were fatal to it; if the statue should be lost from the citadel; whereas the second was the death of Troilus;

the third was when the upper lintel of the Phrygian gate[*] should be demolished. Just so are there three fatalities for this Troy of ours, corresponding with those three; for, first of all, when, a short time since, as I told our old gentleman the lying story about his host, and the gold, and the bark, then, that instant, did I steal the statue[*] from the citadel. And even then two fatalities were remaining, and no further had I taken this city.

Afterwards, when I carried the letter to the old man, then I killed my Troilus. When he supposed, just now, that Mnesilochus was with the Captain’s wife, from that, with difficulty, did I disengage myself. And that danger do I compare to what they say, how that Ulysses, recognized by Helen[*], was betrayed to Hecuba. But as, in olden time, by his coaxing arts, he liberated himself from her, and persuaded her to let him go,

so I, by my devices, have rescued myself from the danger, and have deceived the old man. Afterwards, I engaged with the blustering Captain, who, unarmed, takes cities with his words, and there I repulsed my man. Then I engaged in fight with the old gentleman; straightway by one lying device did I vanquish him; by one blow, in a moment, did I take the spoils away from him. He now will give the two hundred Philippean pieces to the Captain,

which he has promised that he will give. ⋯ Now, I have occasion for another two hundred, to be distributed when Ilium is taken, that there may be the usual draught of honeyed wine[*] with which the soldiers may celebrate their triumph. But this Priam is far superior to him of old. Not fifty sons only has he, but four hundred, and all choice ones, without a blemish;

all these this day will I cut off at two single blows. Now, if there were any purchaser for this Priam of ours, I would sell the old fellow in the lump[*], whom I have on sale the moment that J shall have taken the city. But, lo! I see our Priam standing before the door; I’ll go and speak to him.

Pray, whose voice is it that sounds near me?

O Nicobulus!

What’s the matter?

O, capital!

Well, have you done aught of what I sent you upon?