Bacchides, or The Twin Sisters (890-970)

I’ll make you more full of holes than a rat’s skin[*] when caught in a trap. I’ faith, for my part, some time since I found out what suspicion it was that tormented you; namely, that he was with that wife of yours.

Yes; and so he is.

So may Jupiter, Juno, Ceres, Minerva, Hope, Latona, Ops, Virtue, Venus, Castor, Pollux, Mars, Mercury, Hercules,

Summanus[*], the Sun, Saturn, and all the Deities, prosper me, he neither reclines with her, nor walks, nor kisses, nor does that which is wont to be reported.

How he does swear! He’s saving me, however, by his perjury.

Where then, at this moment, is Mnesilochus?

His father has sent him into the country.

And she has gone hence to the citadel, to see the temple of Minerva. The door’s open now; go in, and see if he’s there.

I’ll be off to the Forum next.

Or rather, by my troth, to very perdition.

Am I to demand this gold to-day?

Demand it, and go hang yourself; don’t you suppose, you worthless fellow, that we shall be entreating of you. (Exit CLEOMACHUS.)

He’s taken himself off. Permit me, master, I entreat you by the immortal Gods, to go in-doors here to your son.

But why go in there?

That with many words I may rebuke him, since after this fashion he has been going on this way.

Well, I beg you will do so, Chrysalus; and I entreat you not to spare him in your talking to him.

And do you instruct even myself? Isn’t it sufficient, if this day he shall hear from me more harsh things than ever Clinias heard[*] from Demetrius?

This servant of mine is very like a running eye; if you have it not, you don’t wish for it or desire it;

if you have it, you can’t keep off from rubbing it. But if he hadn’t, by lucky chance, been here to-day, the Captain would have surprised Mnesilochus with his wife, and have killed him as an adulterer detected in the fact. Now, in a manner have I ransomed my son with the two hundred Philippeans

which I have promised to give to the Captain; which, however, I shall not rashly pay him down, before I have met with my son. By my troth, I’ll never rashly give credence in anything to Chrysalus. But I have a mind even once again to read over this letter; ’tis right that when a letter is sealed we should give credence to it.

The two brothers, the sons of Atreus, are said to have done a most famous deed, when, with arms, and horses, and an army, and with chosen warriors, and with ships a thousand in number, after the tenth year, they subdued Pergamus, the native land of Priam, founded by hands divine. Not more decidedly did it fall by the engine of war, than I shall storm my master here,

without a fleet, and without an army and so great array of soldiers. I have won, I have taken by storm this gold from his father for my master’s son, in his amour. Now, before the old man comes here, I wish to lament until he does come out. O Troy! O my country! O Pergamus! O Priam! old man, you are undone, you, who’ll be wretchedly and shockingly choused out of four hundred golden Philippeans.

For those tablets, sealed on the one side and on the other, they are not tablets, but the horse which the Greeks sent, of wood. Pistoclerus is the Epeus[*]; from him were these received. Mnesilochus is the Simon left behind. Behold him! not in Achilles’ tomb, but on a couch he reclines: he has Bacchis with him; just as the other formerly had the fire with which to give the signal;

so now does she inflame himself. I am Ulysses, by whose advice they do these things. Then, the characters which there are written, are the soldiers in this horse, armed and of high courage. So even thus far has the matter prospered with me. This horse, too, will be making his attack, not on a citadel, but on a coffer[*] A ruin, a destruction, a cleaner-out of the old man’s gold, will this horse prove this day.

To this silly old man of ours, in fact, I give the name of Ilium; the Captain is Menelaüs; I, Agamemnon; I, too, am Ulysses, the son of Laërtes; Mnesilochus is Alexander[*], who will be the destruction of his father’s fortunes; he has borne off the Helen, on whose account I am now carrying on the siege of Ilium. For there I have heard say that Ulysses was both bold and full of mischief, just as I am.

I have been detected in my tricks—he, discovered in a beggar’s guise, had almost perished, while he was spying out there the doings of the Trojans. Similarly has it happened to myself to-day. I have been bound, but by my devices I have redeemed myself; he, too, preserved himself by artifice. I have heard that there were three destinies[*] attending Troy, which were fatal to it; if the statue should be lost from the citadel; whereas the second was the death of Troilus;

the third was when the upper lintel of the Phrygian gate[*] should be demolished. Just so are there three fatalities for this Troy of ours, corresponding with those three; for, first of all, when, a short time since, as I told our old gentleman the lying story about his host, and the gold, and the bark, then, that instant, did I steal the statue[*] from the citadel. And even then two fatalities were remaining, and no further had I taken this city.

Afterwards, when I carried the letter to the old man, then I killed my Troilus. When he supposed, just now, that Mnesilochus was with the Captain’s wife, from that, with difficulty, did I disengage myself. And that danger do I compare to what they say, how that Ulysses, recognized by Helen[*], was betrayed to Hecuba. But as, in olden time, by his coaxing arts, he liberated himself from her, and persuaded her to let him go,

so I, by my devices, have rescued myself from the danger, and have deceived the old man. Afterwards, I engaged with the blustering Captain, who, unarmed, takes cities with his words, and there I repulsed my man. Then I engaged in fight with the old gentleman; straightway by one lying device did I vanquish him; by one blow, in a moment, did I take the spoils away from him. He now will give the two hundred Philippean pieces to the Captain,

which he has promised that he will give. ⋯ Now, I have occasion for another two hundred, to be distributed when Ilium is taken, that there may be the usual draught of honeyed wine[*] with which the soldiers may celebrate their triumph. But this Priam is far superior to him of old. Not fifty sons only has he, but four hundred, and all choice ones, without a blemish;