Bacchides, or The Twin Sisters (604-645)

Is there anything you want?

Be off; you must do so this instant.

Good-bye, teeth-cracker.

And you, skin of his body, good-bye! This matter has come to such a point, that what advice to give my friend about his mistress, I know not; who, in his pet, has given up all the gold to his father, and not a coin is there that may be paid to the Captain.

But I’ll step aside, for the door makes a noise. O, here’s Mnesilochus coming out, and pensive, too.

Insolent, of a froward, passionate, ungovernable, inconsiderate disposition, without reason and moderation, am I; without fine principles of rectitude and honor, hard of belief, powerless to control my passions,

born of a temper ill-disposed, unamiable and ungracious is my life[*]. In fine, I am that which I could wish others to be. There’s not a person more worthless, or more unworthy for the Gods to bless, or for men to love or to associate with.

’Tis more just that I should have enemies than friends—’tis more reasonable that the bad should give me their assistance than the good.

There’s not a person more deserving of all the reproaches that are befitting worthless men, than I, who have given up to my father the money that was in my power. Could this be believed by any one whatever? Am I not a madman, who have miserably undone myself and the device of Chrysalus?

He must now be consoled by me; I’ll accost him. (Aloud.) Hallo, Mnesilochus! what’s the matter?

I’m ruined.

May the Gods grant better things!

I’m ruined.

Won’t you hold your tongue, simpleton?

Hold my tongue?

You are not now quite right in your senses.

I’m undone. Many sharp and poignant woes are now arising in my breast. Did I not put faith in that accusation? Without any cause was I angry with you.

Come, come, do have a good heart.

Whence have it? A dead man is of more value than I am.

The Captain’s Parasite came here, just now, to fetch the gold hence. I drove the fellow away from this door and from this fair one, and packed him off through my harsh language.

But of what service is that to me? Wretch that I am, what shall I do? I have nothing; and he certainly will carry her off.

By my faith, if I had the means, I’d engage not.

I know you’d give it me; I know your ways; and were you not in love, I should now have the very greatest possible confidence in your assistance. At present, you yourself have more than enough of your own business, for me to suppose that you, who are in want yourself; are able to give me any assistance.

Do but hold your tongue: some Divinity will favour us.

Nonsense.

Do stay.

What’s the matter?

Why, I see Chrysalus here, your main resource.

It’s right this man (pointing to himself) should be worth his weight[*] in gold: it’s fair that a statue of gold should be erected for him. For, this day, two exploits have I achieved; with twofold spoils have I been graced. So cleverly have I gulled my elder master this day, that he has been made a fool of. The crafty old blade, by my crafty tricks, have I compelled and constrained to believe me in everything.

Then, for the son of the old gentleman, my master here in love, together with whom I drink, with whom I eat and go a-courting, I have procured regal and golden trea sures, that he may take from thence at home, and not go seeking abroad. Those Parmenos[*] and those Syruses,