Aulularia, or The Concealed Treasure (429b-503)

Why the plague do you trouble yourself

whether I eat meat raw or cooked, unless you are my tutor[*].

I want to know if you will allow or not allow us to cook the dinner here?

I, too, want to know whether my property will be safe in my house.

I only wish to carry the things away safe that I brought here! I don’t care for yours; should I be coveting your things?

I understand; don’t teach me; I know.

What is it, on account of which you now hinder us from cooking the dinner here? What have we done? What have we said to you otherwise than you could wish?

Do you even ask me, you rascally fellow? You who’ve been making a thoroughfare of every corner of my house, and the places under lock and key? If you had stopped by the fireside, where it was your business,

you wouldn’t have had your head broken. It has been done for you deservedly! Therefore that you may now know my determination; if you come nearer to the door here, unless I order you, I’ll make you to be the most wretched of creatures. Do you now know my determination?

Where are you going? Come you back again!

So may Laverna[*] love me well, I’ll expose you at once with loud abuse here before the house, if you don’t order my utensils to be restored to me! What shall I do now? Verily, by my faith, I came here with unlucky auspices; I was hired for a didrachm [*]; I stand in more need now of a surgeon than of wages.

This, by my faith, wherever I shall go, really shall be with me, and with myself will I carry it,

nor will I ever again entrust it to that place, for it to be in such great peril. (Speaking to CONGRIO and his SCULLIONS.) Now, then, go you all of you in the house, cooks and music-girls; introduce even, if you like, a whole company of hirelings [*]; cook, bustle, and hurry now at once just as much as you please.

O dear, I’m a ruined man.

Be off! your labour was hired here, not your talk.

Harkye, old gentleman, for the beating, by my faith, I shall demand of you a recompense. I was hired a while ago to cook, and not to be basted.

Proceed against me at law! Don’t be troublesome! Either cook the dinner, or away with you from the house to downright perdition!

Go there yourself then. (CONGRIO and the COOKS and MUSIC-GIRL go back into the house.)

He’s gone. Immortal Gods! A poor man, who begins to have dealings or business with an opulent one, commences upon a rash undertaking! Thus, for instance, Megadorus who has pretended that, for the sake of honoring me, he sends these cooks hither, is plaguing unfortunate me in every way; for this reason has he sent them, that they might purloin this (putting his hand on the pot) from unfortunate me.

Just as I might expect, even my dunghill-cock in-doors, that was bought with the old woman’s savings[*], had well nigh been the ruin of me; where this was buried, he began to scratch there all round about with his claws. What need of more words? So exasperated were my feelings, I took a stick, and knocked off the head of the cock—a thief caught in the act.

I’ faith, I do believe that the cooks had promised a reward to the cock, if he should discover it; I took the opportunity[*] out of their hands, however. What need of many words? I had a regular battle[*] with the dunghill- cock. But see, my neighbour Megadorus is coming from the Forum. I can’t, then, venture to pass by him, but I must stop and speak to him.

I’ve communicated to many friends my design about this proposal; they speak in high terms of the daughter of Euclio. They say that it was discreetly done, and with great prudence. But, in my opinion, indeed, if the other richer men were to do the same, so as to take home as their wives, without dower, the daughters of the poorer persons,

both the state would become much more united, and we should meet with less ill feeling than we now meet with; both, they, the wives, would stand in fear of punishment more than they do stand in fear of it, and we husbands should be at less expense than we now are.

In the greater part of the people this is a most just way of thinking; in the smaller portion there is an objection among the avaricious, whose avaricious minds and insatiate dispositions there is neither law nor magistrate to be able to put a check upon. But a person may say this; How are these rich women with portions to marry, if this law is laid down for the poor?

Let them marry whom they please, so long as the dowry isn’t their companion. If this were so done, the women would acquire for themselves better manners for them to bring, in place of dowry, than they now bring. I’d make mules, which exceed horses in price,

to become cheaper than Gallic geldings[*].

So may the Gods favour me, I listen to him with delight; very shrewdly has he discoursed on the side of economy.

No wife should then be saying: Indeed, I brought you a marriage-portion far greater than was your own wealth;

why, it really is fair that purple and gold should be found for me, maid-servants, mules, muleteers, and lacqueys[*], pages to carry[*] compliments, vehicles in which I may be carried.

How thoroughly he does understand the doings of the wives! I wish he were made Prefect of the manners of the women.