Asinaria, or The Ass-Dealer (42c-91b)

I want you, even to the death—

Take you care of a woful mishap, if you please.

Of your wife, I mean, not of yourself.

For that speech, I give you leave to be free from apprehension.

May the Gods grant you whatever you desire.

In return, give me your attention. Why should I ask this of you? Or why should I threaten you, because you have not made me acquainted with it? Or why, in fine, should I censure my son

as other fathers do?

What new affair is this? (Aside.) I wonder much what it is, and I’m in dread what the upshot of it may be.

In fact, I’m now aware that my son’s in love with that Courtesan Philenium, that lives close by. Is not this as I say, Libanus?

You are upon the right track; such is the fact. But a dreadful malady has overtaken him.

What is the malady?

Why, that his presents don’t equal his promises.

Are you, then, one who assists my son in his amours?

I really am, and our Leonida is another.

I’ faith, you do kindly, and you gain thanks from me. But this wife of mine, Libanus, don’t you know what sort of a person she is?

You are the first to experience it, but we give a guess beforehand.

I confess that she is troublesome and not to be pleased.

You say that later than I believed you in it.

All parents, Libanus, who listen to me, will show indulgence to their children,

inasmuch as they will find their sons more kindly disposed and more affectionate; and that do I desire to do myself. I wish to be loved by mine; I wish myself to be like my father, who, for my sake, himself in the disguise of a ship-master, carried off from a procurer a female with whom I was in love;

nor was he ashamed, at that time of life, to devise stratagems, and to purchase with good turns me, his son, for himself. These ways of my father have I resolved to imitate. For to-day my son Argyrippus has entreated me

to give him a supply of money for his amours; and I very much wish in that to oblige my son. I wish to forward his amours; I wish him to be fond of myself, his father. Although his mother keeps him strictly, and with a tight rein, as fathers have been in the habit of doing, all that I dismiss.

Especially as he has deemed me deserving, for him to entrust it to ire, I ought to pay all due regard to his feelings. Inasmuch as he has applied to me, as it is right that a respectful son should do, I wish him to have some money for him to give to his mistress ⋯

You are desiring that which I find you are do siring to no purpose.

Your wife brought her servant Saurea with her on her marriage[*], who has more in his control than you have.

I received money with her, and for the portion I sold my authority. Now I’ll compress into a few words what I want of you; my son is now in need of twenty silver minae:

do you manage that it may be forthwith found for him.

From what place in the world?

Cheat me of them.

You are talking downright nonsense. You are bidding me take the clothes from off a naked man. I, cheat you?—come now, fly you without wings, please. What, am I to cheat you who have nothing in your power for your own self?