Amphitryon, or Jupiter in Disguise (973-1032b)

You say well, and just as befits an attentive wife. (ALCMENA goes into the house.) Now both of these, both servant and mistress, are, the pair of them, deceived,

in taking me to be Amphitryon; egregiously do they err. Now, you immortal Sosia, take you care and be at hand for me. You hear what I say, although you are not present here. Take care that you contrive to drive away Amphitryon, on his arrival just now, by some means or other, from the house.

I wish him to be cajoled, while with this borrowed wife I now indulge myself. Please, take care that this is attended to just in such way as you know that I desire, and that you assist me while to myself I am offering sacrifice[*].

Stand by and make room all of you, get you out of the way.

And let not any person now be so presumptuous as to stand before me in the road. For surely, why, by my troth, should I, a God, be any less allowed to threaten the public, if it does not get out of my way, than a slave in Comedies[*]? He is bringing news that the ship is safe, or else the approach of some angry old blade; whereas I am obeying the bidding of Jove, and by his command do I now hie me.

For this reason, it is more fitting to get out of the road and to make room for me. My father calls me, I am following him, to his orders so given am I obedient. As it befits a son to be dutiful to his father, just so am I to my father; in his amours I play second fiddle to him, I encourage him, assist him, advise him, rejoice with him. If anything is pleasing to my father, that pleasure is an extremely great one for myself.

Is he amorously disposed? He is wise; he does right, inasmuch as he follows his inclination; a thing that all men ought to do, so long as it is done in a proper manner. Now, my father wishes Amphitryon to be cajoled; I’ll take care, Spectators, that he shall be rarely cajoled, while you look on. I’ll place a chaplet on my head, and pretend that I am drunk.

And up there (pointing to the top of the house) will I get; from that spot, at the top of the house, I’ll cleverly drive this person off when he comes hither: I’ll take care that, sober, he shall be drenched. Afterwards, his own servant Sosia will presently be suffering the punishment for it; he’ll be accusing him of doing, this day, the things which I myself have done what’s that to me? It’s proper for me to be obedient to my father; it’s right to be subservient to his pleasure.

But see! here is Amphitryon; he’s coming. Now shall he be rarely fooled, if, indeed, (to the AUDIENCE) you are willing, by listening, to lend your attention. I’ll go in-doors, and assume a garb[*] that more becomes me; then I’ll go up upon the roof, that I may drive him off from hence.

Naucrates, whom I wanted to find, was not on board ship;

neither at home nor in the city do I meet with any one that has seen him; for through all the streets have I crawled, the wrestling-rings and the perfumers’ shops, to the market, too, and in the shambles, the school for exercise, and the Forum, the doctors’ shops, the barbers’ shops, and among all the sacred buildings. I’m wearied out with seeking him, and yet I nowhere meet with Naucrates.

Now I’ll go home, and from my wife will I continue to make enquiry into this matter, who the person was, by the side of whom she submitted her body to dishonor. For it were better that I was dead, than that I this day should leave this enquiry incomplete. (Goes up to the door.) But the house is closed. A pretty thing indeed! This is done just like the other things have been done: I’ll knock at the door. (Knocks.)

Open this door; ho there! is there anybody here? Is any one going to open this door?

Who’s that at the door?

’Tis I.

Who’s ’tis I?

’Tis I that say so.

For sure, Jupiter and all the Deities are angered with you who are banging at the door this way.

In what manner?

In this manner, that without a doubt you must be spending a wretched life.

Sosia.

Well; I’m Sosia, unless you think that I’ve forgotten myself.

What do you want now?

What, you rascal, and do you even ask me that, what it is I want?

I do so ask you; you blockhead, you’ve almost broken the hinges from off the door. Did you fancy that doors were supplied us at the public charge? Why are you looking up at me, you stupid? What do you want now for yourself, or what fellow are you?

You whip-scoundrel, do you even ask me who I am, you hell of elm-saplings[*]?

I’ faith, this day I’ll make you burn with smarts of the scourge for these speeches of yours.

You surely must have formerly been a spendthrift in your young days.

How so?

Because in your old age you come begging a hap-ill [*] of me for yourself.