The Mistaken Critic, or a Discourse on the Word (31-32)

I have still a great deal that I might say; but I willingly forego the rest for you, adding only this: do as you like in everything else and do not cease to indulge in such maudlin behaviour at your own expense, but not that one thing—no, no! It is not decent to ask people who so act to the same table, to share a cup with them, and to partake of the same food. And let there be none of this kissing after lectures, either, especially with those who have made ‘nefandous’ apply to you not long before. And inasmuch as I have already begun to give friendly advice,

have done, if you please, with perfuming your grey hair, and depilating only certain parts; for if some ailment is besetting you, your whole body should be attended to, but if nothing of that sort ails you, what is the point of your making parts hairless, smooth, and sleek which should not even be seen? One thing only is prudent in you, your grey hairs, and that you no longer dye them, so that you can have them to cloak your iniquity. Spare them, in Heaven’s name in this point also, and particularly your beard, too; do not defile or mistreat it any longer. If you must, let it be at night and in darkness; but by day—no, no!—that is absolutely uncivilised and beastly.

Do not you see that it would have been better for you to “leave Camarina undisturbed,”[*] and not to laugh at the word nefandous, which is going to make your whole life nefandous? Or is something more still required? As far as in me lies, it shall not remain wanting. To be sure, you are not yet aware that you have brought down the whole cartload on top of you, though you ought to grovel, you glozing varlet, if a man with hair on him, a swart-breech[*] (to use the good old phrase) were simply to look at you sourly. Perhaps you will even laugh at that, too—that “glozing varlet”—as if you had heard something enigmatic and riddling; for you do not know the words for your actions. So you now have

an opportunity to libel these expressions also, in case “nefandous” has not paid you out, three or four times over. Anyhow, blame yourself for everything. As that pretty wit Euripides used to say, of curbless mouths and folly and lawlessness the end is mischance.[*]