Lexiphanes (1-5)

LYCINUS Lexiphanes, the glass of fashion, with a book?

LEXIPHANES Yes, Lycinus; ’tis one of my own productions of this very season,[*] quite recent.

LYCINUS Why, are you now writing us something indecent?[*] LEXIPHANES No, forsooth, and I did not say indecent. Come, it is full time you learned to apply that word of mine to things newly indited. It would seem that your ears are stopped with wax.

LYCINUS Excuse me, my friend. Between indecent and recent there is a great dealin common. But tell me, what is the theme of your work?

LEXIPHANES I am counter-banqueting the son of Aristo in it.

LYCINUS There are many “Aristos,” but to judge from your “banquet’ I suppose you mean Plato.

LEXIPHANES You rede me right, but what I said would have been caviare to the general.

LYCINUS Well then, you must read me a few passages from the book, so that I shan’t miss the feast entirely, I dare say you will properly “wine us with nectar” out of it.[*] LEXIPHANES Suppress Master Irony, then, and make your ears permeable before you give them to me. Avaunt with the obturations of Dame Cypselis![*] LYCINUS Say your say confidently, for no Cypselus nor any Periander[*] has taken up lodgings in my ears.

LEXIPHANES Consider withal how I carry myself in the book —whether it has a good entrance, a rich display of good discourse and composure,[*] and good store of egregious words.

LYCINUS It is sure to have that, being yours. But do begin now.

LEXIPHANES (reads) “Then we shall dine,” quoth Callicles, “and then, at eventide, fetch a turn in the Lyceum; but now it is high season to endue ourselves with sunburn and tepify ourselves in the calid ambient, and after laving, to break bread. We must away forthwith. My lad, convoy me my strigil, scrip, diapers, and purgaments to the bath-house, and fetch the wherewithal. ’Tis on the floor, mark you, alongside the coffer, a brace of obols. And you, Lexiphanes, whatever shall you do? Shall you come, or tarry yet a while hereabouts?” “I too,” said I, “am yearning to ablute these ages past, for I am ill-conditioned, susceptible behind from riding pillion on a mule. The muleteer kept me going, though he himself was jigging it hot-foot.[*] But even in the country I was not unassiduous, for I found the yokels caroling the harvest-home; some of them, too, were preparing a grave for my father. After I had assisted them in the engraving and for a brief space shared the handiwork of the dikers, I dispersed them on account of the cold and because they were getting burned (in severe cold, you know, burning ensues).[*] For myself, I got about the simples, found prickmadam growing among them, exhumed sundry radishes, garnered chervils and potherbs, and bought groats. But the meads were not yet redolent enough for travelling by shank’s

mare; so I mounted the pillion and had my rump excoriated. Now I walk excruciatingly, I perspire amain, my flesh is very weak, and I want to play about[*] in the water no end. I delight in the prospect of dissolution after toil.[*]

Therefore I shall betake myself incontinently to my urchin, who belike attends me at the pease-porridge woman’s or the frippery, although he was forewarned to turn up at the comfit-shop.

“In the nick of time, however, here he is himself, and I see he has chaffered beestings-pudden, ashcake, chibbals, hakot, nape of beef—mark you!— dewlap, manyplies, and lamb’s fries. Good, Atticion! You have made most of my journey invious.” “For my part,” quoth he, “I have got squinny, master, keeping an eye out for you. Where were you dining yesterday? With Onomacritus, prithee?” “Nay, gadzooks,” quoth I: “I made off to the countryside, helter-skelter. You know how I adore rusticating. The rest of you no doubt supposed that I was playing toss-pot. But go you in and relish all of this; also cleanse the kneading-trough, that you may work us up some lettuce-loaf.

I myself shall be off and bestow upon myself an inunction sans immersion.”[*]

“We,” quoth Philinos, “I and Onomarchus and Hellanicus here, shall have after you, for the style shadows the middle of the bowl,[*] and it is to be

feared that we may lave in the leavings of the bargashes, along with the scum, in a jostle.”” Then said Hellanicus: “I look askew, for my dollies are obfuscate, I nictitate full oft, and I am lachrymose; mine eyes want drugging, I require some scion of Aesculapius, sage in ophthalmotherapy, who will compound and decant a specific for me, and so effect that my ruddy optics may be decoloured and no longer be rheumatic or have a humorous cast.”

Discoursing in this wise, all those of us present were gone. When we came to the gymnasium, we despoiled ourselves. One exercised himself at wrestling with shoulder-holds, another with neckholds, standing; one sleeked himself with unguent and essayed eluding grasps; one countered the wind-bag,[*] one, grasping leaden sows, whipped his arms about. Then, once we were dressed down[*] and had backed each other, and used the gymnasium for our sport, Philinus and I imbathed ourselves in the hot pool and emerged, while the rest, beducking their sconces in the cold plunge, swam about subaquaneous in wondrous guise.

Upon reversion, we imbusied ourselves with this, that or t’other. I myself indued my boots, dressed my scalp with a tined card,[*] for I had got shorn with the “bowl” cut, not the “bush”; for not long

ago my chaps and crown had been displumed.[*] Someone else was gobbling lupines, another was evomiting his jejunity, another was. diminishing radishes and sopping up a mess of fishy pottage, another was eating flummery,[*] and yet another engorging barley brose.