The Parasite Tychiades (1)

TYCHIADES Why in the world is it, Simon, that while other men, both slave and free, each know some art by which they are of use to themselves and to someone else, you apparently have no work which would enable you to make any profit yourself or give away anything to anybody else?

SIMON What do you mean by that question, Tychiades? I do not understand. Try to put it more clearly.

TYCHIADES Is there any art that you happen to know? Music, for instance?

SIMON No, indeed.

TYCHIADES Well, medicine?

SIMON Not that, either.

TYCHIADES Geometry, then?

SIMON Not by any means.

Well, rhetoric? For as to philosophy, you are as remote from that as vice itself is!

SIMON Indeed, even more so, if possible. So don’t suppose you have touched me with that taunt, as if I did not know it. I admit that I am vicious, and worse than you think!

TYCHIADES Quite so. Well, it may be that although you have not learned those arts because of their magnitude and difficulty, you have learned one of the vulgar arts like carpentry or shoemaking; you are not so well off in every way as not to need even such an art.

SIMON You are right, Tychiades; but I am not acquainted with any of these either.

TYCHIADES What other art, then?

SIMON What other? A fine one, I think. If you knew about it, I believe you would speak highly of it too. In practice, I claim to be successful at it already, but whether you will find me so in theory also I can't say.

TYCHIADES What is it?

SIMON I do not feel that I have yet thoroughly mastered the literature on that subject. So for the present

you may know that I possess an art and need not be dissatisfied with me on that score; some other day you shall hear what art it is.

TYCHIADES But I can’t wait.

SIMON The nature of the art will perhaps seem extraordinary when you hear it.

TYCHIADES Tr aly, that is just why I am keen to know about it.

SIMON ‘Some other day, Tychiades.

TYCHIADES Oh, no! Tell me now—unless you are ashamed!

SIMON Parasitic.