The Dead Come to Life, or the Fisherman (26-30)

DIOGENES

But this man brings the best people together, after a long period of thinking and preparing and writing

down slanders in a thick roll, and then loudly abuses Plato, Pythagoras, Aristotle here, Chrysippus there, myself,and in a word, one and all, without the sanction of a holiday and without having. had anything done to him personally by us. He would have some excuse for the thing, of course,if he had acted in self-defence instead of starting the quarrel.

What is worst of all, in doing this sort of thing, Philosophy, he shelters himself under your name, and he has suborned Dialogue, our serving-man, employing him against us as a helper and a spokesman. Moreover, he has actually bribed Menippus,[*]a comrade of ours, to take part in his farces frequently; he is the only one who is not here and does not join us in the prosecution, thereby playing traitor to our common cause.

DIOGENES

For all this he ought to be punished. What, pray, can he have to say for himself after ridiculing all that is most holy before so many witnesses? In fact, it would be a good thing for them, too, if they were to see him punished, so that no other man might ever again sneer at Philosophy; for to keep quiet and pocket insults might well be thought to betoken weakness and simplicity rather than self-control. And who could put up with his last performances? Bringing us like slaves to the auction-room and appointing a crier, he sold us off, they say, some for a high price, some for an Attic mina, and me, arrant scoundrel that he is, for two obols! And those present laughed!

On account of this, we ourselves have come up here in a rage, and we think it right that you for your part should avenge us because we have been insulted to the limit.

PLATO

Good, Diogenes! You have splendidly said all that you ought on behalf of us all.

PHILOSOPHY

Stop applauding! Pour in the water for the defendant. Now, Frankness, make your speech in turn, for the water now is running for you. Don’t delay, then.

FRANKNESS

Diogenes did not complete the complaint against me, Philosophy. He left out, for some reason or other, the greater part of what I said, and everything that was very severe. But I am so far from denying. that I said it all and from appearing with a studied defence that whatever he passed over in silence or I neglected previously to say, I purpose to include now. In that way you can find out whom I put up for sale and abused, calling them pretenders and cheats. And I beg you merely to note throughout whether what I say about them is true. If my speech should prove to contain anything shocking or offensive, it is not I, their critic, but they, I think, whom you would justly blame for it, acting as they do.

As soon as I perceived how many disagreeable attributes a public speaker must needs acquire, such as chicanery, lying, impudence, loudness of mouth, sharpness of elbow, and what all besides, I fled from all that, as was natural, and set out to attain your high ideals, Philosophy, expecting to sail, as it were, out of stormy waters into a peaceful haven

and to live out the rest of my life under your protection.

FRANKNESS

Hardly had I caught a glimpse of “your doctrines when I conceived admiration for you, as was inevitable, and for all these men, who are the lawgivers of the higher life and lend a helping hand to those who aspire to it by giving advice which is extremely good and extremely helpful if one does not act contrary to it or falter, but fixedly regards the principles which you have established and tries to bring his life into harmony and agreement with them—a thing, to be sure, which very few, even of your own disciples, do![*]