Philosophies for Sale (26-27)

Don’t delay; call another, the Peripatetic.

(To renivatetic.) I say, you who are handsome, you who are rich! (Yo the buyers.) Come now, buy the height of intelligence, the one who knows absolutely everything!

What is he like!

Moderate, gentlemanly, adaptable in his way of living, and, what is more, he is double.

What do you mean?

Viewed from the outside, he seems to be one man, and from the inside, another; so if you buy him, be sure to call the one self “exoteric” and the other “esoteric.”

What does he know best?

That goods are threefold, in the soul, in the body, and in things external.[*]

He has common sense. How much is he?

Twenty minas.

Your price is high.

Not so, bless you, for he himself appears to have a bit of money, so you can’t be too quick about buying him. Besides, he will tell you at once how long a gnat lives, how far down into the sea the sunlight reaches, and what the soul of an oyster is like.

Heracles, what insight!

What if I should tell you of other information demanding far keener vision, about sperm and conception and the shaping of the embryo in the womb, and how man is a creature that laughs, while asses do not laugh, and neither do they build houses nor sail boats.

This is high and helpful information that you tell of, so I shall buy him for the twenty minas.

Very well.

Whom have we left?

This Sceptic is still on our hands. Reddy,[*] come here and be put up without delay. The crowd is already drifting away, and there will be but few at his sale. However,—who'll buy this one?

I will. But first tell me, what do you know?

Nothing.

What do you mean by that?

That in my opinion nothing at all exists.

Then do not we exist?

I don’t even know that.

Not even that you yourself exist?

I am far more uncertain about that.

Oh, what a state of doubt? But what are these scales of yours for?

I weigh arguments in them and make them balance one another, and when I see they are

What else can you do fairly well?

Everything except catch a runaway slave.

Why can’t you do that?

Because, my dear sir, I am unable to apprehend anything.[*]

Of course, for you look to be slow and lazy. But what is the upshot of your wisdom?

Ignorance, and failure of hearing and vision.

Then you mean being both deaf and blind?

Yes, and devoid of judgement and feeling, and, in a word, no better than a worm.

I must buy you for that reason. (Zo uenmes.) How much may I call him worth?

An Attie mina.

Here you are. (Yo scertic.) What have you to say, fellow? Have I bought you?

Doubtful.

No, indeed, I have bought you and paid the price in cash.

I am suspending judgement on that point and thinking it over.

Come now, fellow, walk along behind me as my servant should.

Who knows if what you say is true?

The crier, the mina, and the men present.

Is there anyone here present?

Come, I'll chuck you into the mill and convince you that I am your master, with sorry logic!

Suspend judgement on that point.

No, by Heaven! I have already affirmed my judgement.

(To scertic.) Stop hanging back and go with your buyer. (Zo the company.) We invite you all here to-morrow, for we intend to put up for sale the careers of laymen, workingmen, and tradesmen.