Zeus the Tragedian (11-15)

Kolossos I imagine that no one will venture to vie with me, for I am Helios, and as you see for

size. For if the Rhodians had not seen fit to make me abnormally large they could have made sixteen golden gods for the same money. So I ought to be considered proportionately rich. And I exhibit art, too, and accurate workmanship, in spite of my great stature.

Hermes What is to be done, Zeus? This case, too, is certainly a hard one to decide, for if I regard his material, he is bronze; but if I compute how much money it cost to forge him, he ranks above the highest class.

Zeus Why need he be here, anyhow, to comment on the smallness of other people and give trouble about his seat? However, O mightiest of the Rhodians, even you take rank never so much above the golden gods, how could you take your seat before them unless you ask them all to get up? If you were to sit down you would fill the whole Pnyx. So you would do better to stand during the meeting and bend over the assembly.

Hermes Here is another nice point to decide between Dionysos here and Herakles. Both are bronze; their workmanship is the same, for both are by Lysippos; and, most vital point of all, they are equals by birth, being alike sons of Zeus. Which of them is to have precedence? They are wrangling about it, as you see.

Zeus We are wasting time, Hermes. We should

have got to business long ago. Let them sit down now anyhow, each where he likes. By-and-by we will hold an assembly to debate these questions, and then I shall know how their ranks ought to be assigned.

Hermes Good heavens, what a din they make, crying out, in plain every-day language, "Rations!" and "Where is the nectar?" and "The ambrosia is giving out!" and "Where are the hecatombs?" and "The sacrifices are common property!"

Zeus Call them to order, Hermes. Make them stop this nonsense and hear why they were convened.

Hermes But, Zeus, they do not all understand Greek, and I am no polyglot to deliver an announcement to Scythians and Persians and Thracians and Celts all at once. I think I should do best to enjoin silence by dumb show.

Zeus Very well.

Hermes There! Behold them reduced to the silence of the sophists. Now is your time to address them. See, they are looking towards you already, awaiting your speech.

Zeus Hermes, you are my son, and I don't mind telling you just how I feel. You know what aplomb and magniloquence I have always shown in our assemblies?

Hermes Indeed I do. I was always frightened

when I heard you speak, particularly when you would threaten to let down that golden rope and drag from their foundations the earth and the sea and the gods with them.

Zeus But this time, my child, whether it is the greatness of the impending dangers or of the audience-for the meeting is well attended, as you see my presence of mind has utterly deserted me, and I am trembling with nervousness and my tongue seems tied. And, most absurd of all, I have forgotten the opening of my speech, which I had prepared with a view to making as agreeable a first impression as possible.

Hermes You have spoiled everything. Your silence is making them suspicious already, and the more you delay the more overwhelmingly bad news do they expect.

Zeus Do you think, then, that I might begin to recite to them that introduction of Homer's?

Hermes What one?

Zeus "Hearken now, ye gods, and every goddess, hearken."

Hermes Stuff! You have recited those opening lines often enough in your cups already. But, if you like, give up this tiresome business of poetry, and piece together any you choose of Demosthenes's orations against Philip, altering them a little. That is the way most speaking is done now, anyhow.

Zeus That is a good idea-a sort of abridged rhetoric or oratory made easy for the embarrassed.

Hermes Well, are you never going to begin?

Zeus I imagine, men of Olympus, that you would gladly give considerable sums to obtain an idea of what this matter may be with reference to which you are now summoned. This being the case, you will do well to lend me your ears with all eagerness. Now the present crisis, deities, wellnigh declares, with audible voice, that we must give all our energies to considering the matters before us, but, as a matter of fact, we seem to me to treat them with negligence. But I should like-my Demosthenes fails me—to explain to you why I was so much disturbed as to call an assembly. Yesterday, as you are aware, Mnesitheos, the ship-master, offered a sacrifice of thanksgiving for his ship that was almost lost off Kaphereus, and we feasted in the Peiraieusas many of us, that is, as Mnesitheos had invited to the banquet. After the libations you dispersed in different directions, pursuing your own devices, while I, seeing that it was not yet late, went up to the city to stroll about at dusk in the Kerameikos, pondering on the meanness of Mnesitheos. For he offered up, by way of feast to sixteen gods, one cock, aged and asthmatic at that, and four grains of frankincense, pretty well decayed, so

that it went out immediately on the embers, and not enough fragrance came out of the smoke to tickle the tip of your nose. And yet when his ship was actually going on the rocks and within. the reef he promised whole hecatombs.