Zeus Rants (41-45)

I say, gods! what a shout the crowd raised, applauding Damis! Our man seems to be in a fix.

I suppose you don’t think that Euripides is telling the truth either, when he puts the gods themselves on the stage and shows them saving the herves and destroying villains and impious fellows like yourself?

Why, Timocles, you doughtiest of philosophers, if the playwrights have convinced you by doing this, you must needs believe either that Polus and Aristodemus and Satyrus are gods for the nonce, or that the very masks representing the gods, the buskins, the trailing tunics, the cloaks, gauntlets, padded paunches and all the other things with which they make tragedy grand are divine; and that is thoroughly ridiculous. I assure you when Euripides, following his own devices, says what he thinks without being under any constraint imposed by the requirements of his plays, you will hear him speaking frankly then:

Dost see on high this boundless sweep of air

That lappeth earth about in yielding arms?

Hold this to be Zeus, and believe it God.

'Twas Zeus, whoever Zeus is, for I know Him not, except by hearsay.

Well ‘then, all men and all nations have been mistaken in believing in gods and celebrating festivals?

Thank you kindly, Timocles, for-reminding me of what the nations believe... From that you can discern partitularly well that there is nothing in the theory of gods, for the confusion is great, and some believe one thing, some another. The Scythians offer sacrifice to a scimitar, the Thracians to Zamolxis, a runaway slave who came to them from Samos, the Phrygians to Men, the Ethiopians to Day, the Cyllenians to’ Phales, the Assyrians to a dove, the Persians to fire, and the Egyptians to water. And while all the Egyptians in common have water for a god, the people of Memphis have the bull, the people of Pelusium a wild onion, others an ibis or a crocodile, others a dog-faced god or a cat or a monkey. Moreover, taking them by villages, some hold the right shoulder a god and others, who dwell opposite them, the left; others, half.a skull, and others an earthen cup or dish. Isn’t that matter for laughter, good Timocles?

Didn't I tell you, gods, that all this would come out and be thoroughly looked into?

You did, Momus, and your criticism was just. I shall try to set it all right if we escape this immediate danger.

But, you god-hater, how about the oracles and pre-

Don’t say a word about the oracles, my worthy friend, or else I'l ask you which of them you want to cite. The one that Apollo gave the Lydian, which was thoroughly double-edged and two-faced, like some of our Herms, which are double and just alike on both sides, whichever way you look at them; for what was there to show that Croesus by crossing the Halys would destroy his own kingdom rather than that of Cyrus? And yet the luckless Sardian had paid a. good many thousands for that ambidextrous verse.

Gods, the man keeps saying the very things that I most feared. Where is our handsome musician now? (Zo Arotto) Go down and defend yourself to him against these charges!

You are boring us to extinction, Momus, with yout untimely eriticism.

Take care what you are doing, Damis, you miscreant! You are all but upsetting the very temples of the gods with your arguments, and their altars too.

Not all the altars, as far as I am concerned, Timocles; for what harm do they do if they are full of incense and sweet savour? But I should be glad to see the altars of Artemis among the’ Tauvians turned: completely upside down, those on which the maiden goddess used to enjoy such horrid feasts.

Where did he get this insufferable stuff that he is pouring out on us? He doesn’t spare any of the gods, but speaks out like a fishwife and

Takes first one, then the other, the guiltless along with the guilty.

I tell you, Zeus, you'll find few that are guiltless among us, and possibly as he continues the man will soon fasten on a certain person of prominence.

Then can’t you even hear Zeus when he thunders, Damis, you god-fighter?

Why shouldn’t I hear thunder, Timocles? But whether it is Zeus that thunders or not, you no doubt know best, coming as you do from some place or other where the gods live! However, the people who come here from Crete tell us a different tale, that a grave is pointed out there with a tombstone standing upon it which proves that Zeus cannot thunder any more, as he has been dead this long time.

I knew far in advance that the fellow would say that. But why have you become so pale, Zeus, and why do you tremble till your teeth chatter? You should be bold and despise such mannikins.

What’s that you say, Momus? Despise them? don’t you see how many are listening, and how they

But whenever you like, Zeus, you can let down a cord of gold and

Sway them aloft, with the earth and the sea, too, into the bargain.