The Carousal, or the Lapiths (36-40)

The friends of Zenothemis and Cleodemus did not stop quarrelling when Aristaenetus came between them. “For the present,’ said Cleodemus, “it is enough if you Stoics are shown up in your ignorance, but to-morrow I will pay you back as I ought. Tell me, then, Zenothemis, or you, Diphilus, you pattern of propriety, why it is that although you say moneygetting is of no import, you aim at nothing in the world but getting more, and for this reason always hang about rich people and lend money and extort high interest and teach for pay; and again, why is it that although you hate pleasure and inveigh against the Epicureans, you yourselves do to others and suffer others to do to you all that is most shameful for pleasure’s sake; you get angry if a man does not ask you to dinner, and when you are actually asked, you not only eat quantities but hand over quantities to your servants,’—and with that he tried to pull away the napkin that Zenothemis’ slave was holding. It was full of meats of all kinds, and he intended to open it and throw its contents

“Bravo, Cleodemus,” said Hermon; “let them tell why they inveigh against pleasure when they themselves want to have more of it than the rest of mankind.” “No,” said Zenothemis, “but do you, Cleodemus, say why you hold that wealth is important.” “No, that is for you to do!” This went on for a long while, until Ion, bending forward to make himself more conspicuous, said: “Stop, and if you wish I will put before you a topic for a discussion worthy of the present festal day, and you shall talk and listen without quarrelling, exactly as in our Plato’s circle, where most of the time was passed in discussion.” All the guests applauded, especially Aristaenetus and Eucritus, who hoped at least to do away with the unpleasantness in that way. Aristaenetus went back to his own place, trusting that peace had been made.

At the same time we were served with what they call the “Full Dinner”’—a bird apiece, boar’s flesh and_hare’s, broiled fish, sesame-cakes and sweetmeats; all of which you had leave to carry away. They did not put a separate tray in front of each of us, but Aristaenetus and Eucritus had theirs together on a single table, and each was to take what was on his side. In like manner Zenothemis the Stoic and Hermon the Epicurean had theirs together, and then Cleodemus and Ion, who came next, and after them the bridegroom and myself; Diphilus, however, had two portions set before him, as Zeno had gone away. Remember all this, Philo, please, because it is of importance for my story.

I shall remember, of course.

Well, Ion said: “Then I will begin first, if you like”; and after a little pause: “Perhaps with men of such distinction here we ought to talk of ‘ideas’ and incorporeal entities and the immortality of the soul; but in order that I may not be contradicted by all those who are not of the same belief in philosophy, I shall take the topic of marriage and say what is fitting. It were best not to need marriage, but to follow Plato and Socrates and be content with friendship: at all events only such as they can attain perfection in virtue. But if we must marry, we should have our wives in common, as Plato held, so as to be devoid of envy.”

These remarks gave rise to laughter, because they were made out of season. But Dionysodorus said: “Stop your outlandish jabbering! Where can the word envy be found in that sense, and in what author?”[*] “What, do you dare open your mouth, you scum of the earth?” said Ion, and Dionysodorus began to give him back his abuse in due form. But the grammarian Histiaeus (simple soul!) said: “Stop, and I will read you a wedding-song,””