Phormio; or, The Scheming Parasite (575-625)

Old age itself is a malady. However, I heard that they had arrived safe, from the caps tain who brought them.

Have you heard, Chremes, what has happened to my son in my absence?

’Tis that, in fact, that has embarrassed me in my plans. For if I offer my daughter in marriage to any person that’s a stranger,

it must all be told how and by whom I had her. You I knew to be fully as faithful to me as I am to myself; if a stranger shall think fit to be connected with me by marriage, he will hold his tongue, just as long as good terms exist between us: but if he takes a dislike to me, he’ll be knowing more than it’s proper he should know.

I am afraid, too, lest my wife should, by some means, come to know of it; if that is the case, it only remains for me to shake myself[*] and leave the house; for I’m the only one I can rely on at home.[*]

I know it is so, and that circumstance is a cause of anxiety to me; and I shall never cease trying,

until I’ve made good what I promised you.

I never saw a more cunning fellow than this Phormio. I came to the fellow to tell him that money was needed, and by what means it might be procured. Hardly had I said one half, when he understood me;

he was quite delighted; complimented me; asked where the old man was; gave thanks to the Gods that an opportunity was afforded him for showing himself no less a friend to Phaedria than to Antipho: I bade the fellow wait for me at the Forum; whither I would bring the old gentleman.

But see, here’s the very man (catching sight of the Old Man). Who is the further one? Heyday, Phaedria’s father has got back! still, brute beast that I am, what was I afraid of? Is it because two are presented instead of one for me to dupe? I deem it preferable to enjoy a two-fold hope. I’ll try for it from him from whom I first intended: if he gives it me, well and good; if I can make nothing of him, then I’ll attack this new-comer.

I’m expecting every moment that Geta will be here. But I see my uncle standing close by, with my father. Ah me! how much I fear what influence his return may have upon my father!

I’ll accost them. (Goes up to them.) O welcome to you, our neighbor Chremes.

Save you, Geta.

I’m delighted to see you safe returned.

I believe you.

How go matters?

Many changes here upon my arrival, as usually the case.

True; have you heard what has happened to Antipho?

All.

What, have you told him? Disgraceful conduct, Chremes, thus to be imposed on.

It was about that I was talking to him just now.

But really, on carefully reflecting upon this matter I think I have found a remedy.

What is the remedy?

When I left you, by accident Phormio met me.

Who is Phormio?

He who patronized her.

I understand.

It seemed to me that I might first sound him;

I took the fellow aside: Phormio, said I, why don’t we try to settle these matters between us rather with a good grace than with a bad one? My master’s a generous man, and one who hates litigation; but really, upon my faith, all his friends were just now

advising him with one voice to turn her instantly out of doors.