Truculentus, or The Churl (830-873b)

But the wine, if it could speak, would defend itself. It’s not wine that’s in the habit of ruling men, but men wine; those, indeed, who are virtuous men; but he who is bad, although he drinks water, or if indeed he abstains from intoxicating liquors, still, by nature he’s bad.

Well, I’m sensible that many reproaches must be heard by me, which I would prefer not.

I confess that I’ve offended you, and am privy to the crime.

Callicles, prithee beware that you do injury to no person; the accused is pleading his cause at large, the witnesses you are keeping in bonds.

Release those women. (They are unbound.) Come (to each of them in turn), do you be off home, and you home as well. (To SYRA.) Tell your mistress this: she must give up the child, if any one asks for it. (SYRA goes into the house of PHRONESIUM, and exit the MAID-SERVANT.)

You, Dinarchus, let’s go before the judge.

Why do you wish me to go before the judge? You are the Praetor to me. But I entreat of you, Callicles, that you’ll give me your daughter for a wife.

I’ faith, I find, indeed, that you’ve come to a decision on that point yourself; for you haven’t waited till I gave her; you have helped yourself. Now keep her, as you’ve got her, but I’ll fine you this grand haul;

six great talents will I deduct from her dowry for this folly.

You act kindly towards me.

’Twere best for you to demand your son back from thence. (Pointing to the house of PHRONESIUM.) But your wife, as soon as possible, take away from my house. I shall at once, therefore, send a messenger to that kinsman of mine by marriage, and tell him to look out for another match for his son.

But I’ll demand back the child of her, lest by-and-by she should deny it. That’s of no use; for she herself, of her own accord, has discovered the whole matter to me, how it happened. But see, right opportunely, i’ faith, is she coming out of doors from her house. Assuredly, a far-darting sting has that woman, who even from that distance is wounding my heart.

A woman is a spoony and a trolloping slut, if she hasn’t a view to her own interests, even in her cups.

If her other limbs are soaked in wine, at least let her head be sober. But it’s a vexation to me that my hair-dresser has been thus badly treated. She has been telling me that this child has been discovered to be the son of Dinarchus. When I heard that ⋯(She moves, as if going.)

She’s going, in whose hands are all my fortune and my children.

I see him who has constituted me the guardian of his property.

Madam, here am I.

It certainly is he. What’s the matter, my love?

No love; cease your trifling. I’ve nothing now to do with that subject.

By my faith, I know what you want, and what you desire, and what you ask for. You want to see me; you desire to caress me; you ask for the child.

Immortal Gods! how plain she speaks. How, in a few words, has she hit upon the very point!

As for me, I know that you are betrothed, and that you have a son by your betrothed, and that a wife is now going to be married by you; that now your thoughts are elsewhere, that myself you are going to consider as forsaken. But still consider, the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is, which never entrusts its life to one hole only;

inasmuch as, if one hole is blocked up, it seeks another as a place of refuge.

When there’s leisure, then I’ll talk to you on those matters more at large; at present, give me up the child.

No; do, there’s a dear, let it be at my house the few next days.

Certainly not.