Truculentus, or The Churl (523-582)

By the powers, there’s very much greater need to have our granaries well filled with wheat; lest, before he takes the plunder, hunger should be putting an end to us here.

Be of good heart.

Do, please, take a kiss from me here. I cannot lift up my head; such pain I’ve felt, and in such pain I now am; and I cannot as yet, of my own strength, walk upon my feet.

If, right from the middle of the sea, you were to order me to take a kiss from you, I would not hesitate to fetch it, my sweet. You’ve experienced it already so to be; and now shall you experience it, my Phronesium,

that I do dote upon you. (Pointing to a distance behind him.) See there, I’ve brought you two female slaves from Syria; I present you with them. (To a SERVANT behind him.) Do you bring those women this way. Now, these were both of them queens at their own homes; but with my own hand I laid waste their country, I present you with them.

Are you dissatisfied with the number of female slaves I have already, that you must be still making additions to the number, to be devouring food for me?

I’ troth, if this indeed isn’t acceptable to you, you boy (beckoning to the SERVANT), do you give me that bag. See here, my love, I’ve brought this mantle from Panchaea[*] for you. Take it for yourself. (He presents it to her.)

What, is so little as this to be given me in return for pain so great?

I’ faith, to my misfortune, I’m undone! My son’s already costing me his weight in gold. (To PHRONESIUM.) Do you still set such little value on me? I’ve brought you a purple garment from Sarra[*], and two pretty ones from Pontus. (Takes the garments from the SERVANT, and presents them.)

Take this for yourself, my love. (To the SERVANT.) Take those Syrian women hence out of my sight. (The SERVANT takes them into the house.)

Do you love me at all?

Not at all, i’ faith; nor do you deserve it.

What, is nothing enough for her? Really, to myself she hasn’t even said one word. I do believe that these presents would sell for more than twenty minae, which I have given her.

Now she’s desperately enraged with me I perceive and understand it; but I’ll address her still. (To PHRONESIUM.) What say you then? Do you wish me, my love, to go to dinner where I was invited, and after that to return hither to your house to sleep? Why are you silent? (Aside.) I’ troth, beyond a doubt, I’m undone. But what fine affair is this?

Who’s this fellow that’s leading such a long train? I’m resolved to watch whither they are taking it. It’s being brought to her, I do believe; but I’ll soon know more.

Get on, get on this way together with you, mules laden with money only to be squandered, you emptyers out of the house, you carriers off of property by waggon-loads! (To the AUDIENCE.) And can’t he who is in love do without being good for nought, and cleaning himself out by his disgraceful practices? But how I know this, don’t any one be asking that of me;

we’ve a lover at home, who’s engaged in disgraceful pursuits; who esteems property just as dung: he’s in dread of the public officers[*]; most cleanly in his ways is he. He wishes his house to be cleaned out; whatever he has at home, it’s swept completely dehors[*]. Since he himself is sending his own self to ruin, for my part, i’ faith, I’ll help him by stealth,

and not through my assistance, indeed, shall he be ruined e’en a bit the less speedily than he may. For now from these provisions, from the one mina I’ve just now abstracted five didrachms; I’ve deducted for myself the Herculean share[*]. But this is just like as though a person should turn off a stream for himself from a river; if it is not turned off into a channel, still all that water would go into the sea.

For this is going into the sea, and is being utterly wasted to no good purpose whatever. When I see these things going on, I pilfer, I purloin, from plunder I plunder take. I take a harlot to be just like what the sea is; what you give her she swallows down, and yet never overflows.

But this at least the sea does preserve; what’s in it is seen. Give her as much as ever you please, it’s never seen either by the giver or the acceptor. For instance, this harlot by her blandishments has reduced my poor master to poverty; has robbed him of fortune, life, honor, and friends.

(Catching sight of her.) Heyday! why look, she’s close by. I do think she has heard me saying all this. She’s pale, as she has been delivered of a child. I’ll address her, as though I didn’t know her. (Addressing PHRONESIUM.) I present you my respects.

Our Geta, what is it you’re about? How are you?

I’m well, and I’m come to one who’s not so well, and I’m bringing something with which she may get well. My master, the apple of your eye, bade me bring these presents to you,

which you see those persons carrying, and these five minae of silver.

I’ faith, it’s not thrown away, that I’m so very fond of him.

He bade me beg that you would accept these in kind part.