Truculentus, or The Churl (315-360)

Upon my faith, if this fellow were living on mustard, I don’t think he could possibly be as snappish. But, i’ troth, how much a well-wisher to his master he is. Still, although he is a savage, I trust that he can be changed by coaxing, allurements, and other arts of the courtesan. I’ve seen a horse from unruly become tamed, and other brutes as well.

Now I’ll go back to see my mistress. But see, my plague’s coming out. (The door of PHRONESIUM’S house is opened.) He’s coming out with a sad air; he hasn’t even yet had a meeting with Phronesium.

I do believe that the fishes, that are always bathing as long as they live, do not take so long in bathing as this Phronesium does in bathing. If women could be loved on as long as[*] they take in bathing,

all lovers would be becoming bath-keepers.

Can’t you endure waiting for a short time even?

Why, ’pon my faith, I’m wretchedly tired with waiting already.

I, as well, shall be obliged to go bathe from weariness

But, i’ faith, Astaphium, prithee do go in-doors and tell her

that I’m here. Do go at once, and persuade her that she has bathed long enough by this.

Very well.

And do you hear as well?

What do you want?

May the Gods confound me for calling you back. I had nothing to say to you, only do be off.

Why did you call me back then, you worthless and good-for-nothing fellow? A delay to me which has produced fully a mile’s delay to you.

But yet why was she standing here so long before the house? Some one, I don’t know who, she certainly was waiting for; the Captain, I suppose. That’s it; see now, how, just like vultures[*], a whole three days beforehand they foresee on what day they are to have a feast. They’re all agape for him; on him are all their minds fixed.

No one will be giving any more attention to myself, when he comes, than if I had been dead two hundred years ago. How delightful a thing it is to keep one’s money! Ah wretched me! after it’s done I’m punished, who lost what I once had.

But now, if any great and splendid fortune should chance to fall to my lot, now, after I know it, what sweets and what bitters come of money, by my troth, I’d so keep it, I’d live in a manner so sparing, that—in a few days I’d make there to be none at all. I’d then confute those who now censure me.

But I perceive that this tide-like door is opening (the door of PHRONESIUM’S house is opened), which sucks up whatever comes within its bolts.

Please now, is my door apt to bite[*], that you are afraid to come in, my love?

Behold the spring! How all blooming it is! how fragrantly does it smell! how brightly does it shine.

Why so ill-mannered, as not, on your arrival from Lemnos [*], to give a kiss to your mistress, my Dinarchus?

O dear, by my troth, I’m being punished now, and most terribly—

Why do you turn yourself away?

My greetings to you, Phronesium.

Greetings to you as well. Will you dine here to-day, as you’ve arrived in safety?

I’m engaged.