Truculentus, or The Churl (296b-350)

Prithee, what’s this that you know?

How Strabax, my master’s son, is ruining himself at your house; how you are all enticing him to fraud and present-making.

If you appeared in your senses, I’d tell you. You’re uttering abuse only;

not a person is in the habit of being ruined here at our house; they waste their property; when they’ve wasted their property, they may go bare thence, if they choose. I don’t know this young man of yours.

Indeed so.

In sober truth.[*]

Aye, but that garden wall[*] that’s in our garden says so, which is becoming every night less by a brick, over which he travels to your house on the road to destruction.

The wall’s an old one; it isn’t wonderful if the bricks, being old, do tumble down.

And says thee, hussy, that old bricks do tumble down? By my fakes, may never any mortal man henceforth trust me upon the two grand points[*], if I don’t inform of these goings on of yours to my elder master.

Is he a savage as well?

Why, he didn’t get his money by enriching harlots, but by thriftiness,

and living hard; which now, however, is being carried off to you, abominable jades. (Takes her by the shoulders and shakes her.) There’s for thee, six-clawed hussy; a wretched life to both of ye. Am I to keep mum about these matters? But, lookye now, I’ll be off to the Forum at once and tell these goings on to the old gentleman, that he mayn’t somehow be cherishing within this matting[*] a whole swarm of misfortunes.

Upon my faith, if this fellow were living on mustard, I don’t think he could possibly be as snappish. But, i’ troth, how much a well-wisher to his master he is. Still, although he is a savage, I trust that he can be changed by coaxing, allurements, and other arts of the courtesan. I’ve seen a horse from unruly become tamed, and other brutes as well.

Now I’ll go back to see my mistress. But see, my plague’s coming out. (The door of PHRONESIUM’S house is opened.) He’s coming out with a sad air; he hasn’t even yet had a meeting with Phronesium.

I do believe that the fishes, that are always bathing as long as they live, do not take so long in bathing as this Phronesium does in bathing. If women could be loved on as long as[*] they take in bathing,

all lovers would be becoming bath-keepers.

Can’t you endure waiting for a short time even?

Why, ’pon my faith, I’m wretchedly tired with waiting already.

I, as well, shall be obliged to go bathe from weariness

But, i’ faith, Astaphium, prithee do go in-doors and tell her

that I’m here. Do go at once, and persuade her that she has bathed long enough by this.

Very well.

And do you hear as well?

What do you want?

May the Gods confound me for calling you back. I had nothing to say to you, only do be off.

Why did you call me back then, you worthless and good-for-nothing fellow? A delay to me which has produced fully a mile’s delay to you.

But yet why was she standing here so long before the house? Some one, I don’t know who, she certainly was waiting for; the Captain, I suppose. That’s it; see now, how, just like vultures[*], a whole three days beforehand they foresee on what day they are to have a feast. They’re all agape for him; on him are all their minds fixed.

No one will be giving any more attention to myself, when he comes, than if I had been dead two hundred years ago. How delightful a thing it is to keep one’s money! Ah wretched me! after it’s done I’m punished, who lost what I once had.

But now, if any great and splendid fortune should chance to fall to my lot, now, after I know it, what sweets and what bitters come of money, by my troth, I’d so keep it, I’d live in a manner so sparing, that—in a few days I’d make there to be none at all. I’d then confute those who now censure me.

But I perceive that this tide-like door is opening (the door of PHRONESIUM’S house is opened), which sucks up whatever comes within its bolts.