Truculentus, or The Churl (1-893)

PROLOGUS

A VERY small portion of room does Plautus ask from out of your vast and pleasant city within the walls, whither, without builders, he may transport Athens. What then? Will you give it or not? They nod assent. I fancied, indeed, that I should obtain it of you without hesitation. What if I were to ask something of your private means? They shake their heads. Only see, i' faith, how the ancient habit still indwells among you, to keep your tongues ever ready for a denial. But let's to the point, on account of which I came hither. Let this be Athens, just as this is our stage, only for the while that we perform this Play. Here pointing to her house dwells a female whose name is Phronesium; she has in herself the manners of the present age; she never asks of her lover that which has been given; but what is left, she does her best that it mayn't be left, by begging for it and carrying it off, as is the habit of the women; for all of them do this when they discover that they are loved. She is pretending to a Captain that she has been brought to bed, that the more speedily she may sweep away his property from him every atom. Why say more? If the life of this woman should only last, he will be sweeping off his substance with his very life into her hands. * * * * * * * * * *

DINARCHUS

to himself Not a whole life is sufficient for a lover thoroughly to learn, until he has become full well aware of this, in how many modes he may come to ruin; nor does Venus herself, in whose hands lie the sum and substance of lovers, ever instruct us in that art of reckoning—in how many ways one in love may be deluded, in how many modes he may come to ruin, and with how many modes of entreaty he may be entreated. How many blandishments are there in it, how many pettish ways in it, how many perils must be courted! Ye Gods! by our trust in you! Hey! what ground for perjury as well, besides the everlasting presents! In the first place then, there's the yearly allowance; that's her first haul

[*]. For that the favour of three nights is granted. In the meantime she's trying for either money, or wine, or oil, or corn, to prove whether you are lavish or thrifty. Just like the person that throws a casting-net into a fish-pond; when the net has gone and sunk, then he contracts the folds; but if he has rightly thrown it, he takes care that the fish may not escape; then in this direction and that does he enfold the fish netted well, until he has taken them out of the water: just so is the lover. If he gives that which is asked for, and is lavish rather than thrifty, nightly favours are given in addition. Meanwhile he swallows down the hook. If once he has partaken of the cup of love unmixed, and that draught has made its way within his breast, forthwith both himself is ruined, and his fortune, and his credit. If the mistress is angry with her lover perchance, doubly is the lover ruined, both in fortune and in mind; but if one man is preferable to another in her eyes, just as much is he ruined; if he enjoys but few of her favours, in mind is he ruined; if he enjoys them in abundance, he himself is joyous, his fortunes are ruined. * * * Thus is it in the houses kept by procurers; before you've given a single thing, she's preparing a hundred to ask for; either a golden trinket's lost, or a mantle has been torn, or a female servant bought; or some silver vessel, or some vessel of brass, or expensive couch, or a Grecian cabinet, or there's always something to be lost and for the lover to be replacing for his mistress. And with one common earnestness do we conceal these losses while we are losing our fortunes, and our credit, and ourselves, lest our parents or our relatives should know something; whom, while we conceal it from them, if we were to make acquainted with it, for them in time to restrain our youthful age, we should be giving what has been received from them before to our descendants in reversion; I'd be for causing, that as there are now more procurers and harlots, there should be fewer and fewer of spendthrift fellows than there are at present; for now-a-days there are almost more procurers and harlots than flies at the time when it is most hot. For, if they are nowhere else, the procurers with their harlots are around the bankers' shops each day as though on siege. That score is the principal one; inasmuch as I know for certain, that now-a-days there are more harlots ready for the money than there are weights for weighing it. And I really don't know what purpose to say it is to serve that these procurers are thus keeping them at the bankers' shops, except as in the place of account-books, where the sums lent on loan may be set down—the sums received I mean, those expended let no one take count of. In fine, in a great nation, amid numberless persons, the state being tranquil and in quiet, the enemy vanquished, it befits all to be in love who have anything to give. Now, this Courtesan pointing to the house Phronesium, who dwells here, has totally expelled from my breast her own name. Phronesium, for Phronesis is wisdom [*]. For I confess that I was with her first and foremost; a thing that's very disastrous to a lover's cash. The same woman, after she had found another out, a greater spendthrift, who would give more, a Babylonian Captain [*], whom the hussy said was troublesome and odious to her, forthwith banished me from the spot. He now is said to be about to arrive from abroad. For that reason has she now cooked up this device; she pretends that she has been brought to bed. That she may push me out of doors, and with the Captain alone live the life of a jovial Greek, she pretends that this Captain is the father of the child; for that reason does this most vile hussy need a palmed-off child. She fancies that she's deceiving me! Does she suppose that she could have concealed it from me, if she had been pregnant? Now I arrived at Athens the day before yesterday from Lemnos, whither I have been on an embassy from this place on the public service. But who's this woman? It's her servant-maid Astaphium. With her too as well I've had some acquaintanceship. Stands aside.

ASTAPHIUM

speaking to the SERVANTS within. Listen at the door and guard the house, that no one who comes may go away more loaded than he came, or who has brought empty hands into our house may take them full out of it. To herself. I know the ways of people; of such habits are the young men now-a-days. For as soon as ever the jolly companions have arrived at the courtesans' houses, their plans are formed. When they've arrived in-doors, some one of them is incessantly bestowing kisses on his mistress. While they are engaged, the others are pilfering

[*]. But if they see that any one is observing them, they play some trick, by which to amuse the observer with pleasantry and sport. Full oft do they devour that belonging to us just as the sausage-makers [*] do. Upon my faith, this is the case, and some of the Spectators to the AUDIENCE, i' faith, you know full well that I tell no lie in this. There with them is the struggle and the valour, to carry oft a booty from the plunderers. But we again nicely give a like return to these robbers of us; for they themselves look on, while we are heaping up their property; indeed, of their own accord even do they themselves bring it to us.

DINARCHUS

apart. In those words she's surely lashing myself; for I've been heaping up presents there.

ASTAPHIUM

in answer to some one who calls from PHRONESIUM'S house. I well recollect it. I' troth, his own self, if he's at home, I'll at once bring here with me. Runs on.

DINARCHUS

calling out. Hallo! Astaphium, do stop a moment, before you go away.

ASTAPHIUM

Who's calling me back?

DINARCHUS

You shall know; look back this way.

ASTAPHIUM

Who is it?

DINARCHUS

One who wishes many a blessing to yourselves.

ASTAPHIUM

Give them then, if you wish us to have them.

DINARCHUS

I'll let you have them. Only do look back this way.

ASTAPHIUM

O dear, you're teazing wretched me to death, whoever you are. Runs on.

DINARCHUS

Worst of women, stop.

ASTAPHIUM

Best of men, go on; you are troublesome. Turns round. Is that Dinarchus? Why, it is he.

DINARCHUS

He's going to your house; and do you give me your hand holding out his in return, and walk together with me.

ASTAPHIUM

I am your servant, and am obedient to your command. Gives her hand.

DINARCHUS

Yourself, how are you?

ASTAPHIUM

I'm well, and am holding by the hand one who's well. Since you've arrived from abroad, a dinner must be given

[*].

DINARCHUS

You speak obligingly.

ASTAPHIUM

But, prithee, do let me go whither she ordered me. Withdrawing her hand.

DINARCHUS

lets go her hand. Be off then. But how say you- -?

ASTAPHIUM

What do you want?

DINARCHUS

He, that you are on your road to, who is it that you're going to fetch?

ASTAPHIUM

Achiva, the midwife.

DINARCHUS

You are an artful damsel.

ASTAPHIUM

I'm as usual then; that's my practice.

DINARCHUS

You deceitful hussy, I've caught you detected in a lie.

ASTAPHIUM

How so, pray?

DINARCHUS

Because you said that you were going to bring "his own self," and not "herself." A woman, then, has been made out of a man. You are an artful one.

ASTAPHIUM

A conjurer!

DINARCHUS

But, pray, tell me, Astaphium who is this person? A new lover?

ASTAPHIUM

I think that you are a gentleman too much at his ease.

DINARCHUS

Why now do you think so?

ASTAPHIUM

Because you trouble yourself about things that don't concern your own clothing and food.

DINARCHUS

It's yourselves have made me a gentleman at ease.

ASTAPHIUM

Why so?

DINARCHUS

I'll explain it to you. I've lost my property; with my property you've robbed me of occupation. If I had preserved my property, there had been something with which I might have been occupied.

ASTAPHIUM

And do you suppose that you can possibly well manage the affairs of state, or those of love, on any other terms without being a gentleman at ease?

DINARCHUS

It was she held a public employment, not I; you misinterpret me. But, against the law, in spite of my tax paid for pasturage

[*], she has received other cattle beside myself.

ASTAPHIUM

Most persons who manage their property badly, do the same as you are doing; when they haven't wherewith to pay the tax, they blame the farmers of the taxes.

DINARCHUS

My pasturage contract with you turns out but badly; now in its turn, I wish to have, according to my narrow circumstances, a little bit of arable land here with you.

ASTAPHIUM

Here is no arable, but the field is pasture land. If you desire some ploughing, you had better go to those

[*] who are in the habit of ploughing; we hold this public emolument, the right of pasturage; those are farmers of other taxes.

DINARCHUS

Full well enough do I know both sides.

ASTAPHIUM

I' troth, it's that way you are a gentleman at ease, since you've been going wrong both in that direction and in this. But the acquaintance of which do you like the best?

DINARCHUS

You are the more exacting, but they are perjured. Whatever's given to them is lost outright, nor with themselves is there any show at all of it; you, if you gain anything, do at least drink and feast it away. In short, they are unprincipled; you are good-for-nothings, and full of airs.

ASTAPHIUM

All this abuse which, Dinarchus, you are uttering against us and them, you utter against yourself, both as respects us and them.

DINARCHUS

How's that?

ASTAPHIUM

I'll tell the reason; because he who accuses another of dishonesty, him it behoves to look into himself. You who are so prudent, have got nothing from us; we, who are good-for-nothings, have got all out of you.

DINARCHUS

O Astaphium! you were not in the habit of speaking to me in that fashion formerly, but courteously, when I myself possessed that which is now in your possession.

ASTAPHIUM

While he's alive, you may know a person; when he's dead, you may keep yourself quiet. I used to know you when you were alive.

DINARCHUS

Do you consider me to be dead?

ASTAPHIUM

Prithee, how can it be plainer? He who formerly was esteemed a first-rate lover, for him to be bringing to his mistress nought but lamentations

[*].

DINARCHUS

I' faith, through your own faults it was done, who in former days were in haste to plunder me. You ought to have done it leisurely, that, unscathed, I might last the longer for you.

ASTAPHIUM

A lover is like an enemy's fortress.

DINARCHUS

On what ground?

ASTAPHIUM

The sooner the lover can be taken by storm, the better it is for the mistress.

DINARCHUS

I confess it; but far different is the friend from the lover. I' faith, for sure, the oldest friend's the best one possible for a man. I' faith, my lands and tenements are not yet all gone.

ASTAPHIUM

Why then, prithee, are you standing before the door as a stranger and an alien? Do go in-doors. Really you are no stranger; for, upon my faith, not one person this day does she more love in her heart and soul—aside if, indeed, you've got land and tenements.

DINARCHUS

Your tongues and talk are steeped in honey; your doings and dispositions are steeped in gall and sour vinegar. From your tongues you utter sweet words; you make your lovers of bitter heart if any don't give you presents.

ASTAPHIUM

I've not learnt to say what's false.

DINARCHUS

It was not this liberality of mine that taught you to say what's false, but those niggardly fellows who are struggling against their appetites. You are a sly one, and the same artful coaxer that you used to be.

ASTAPHIUM

How ardently longed for have you returned from abroad! But, prithee, do come, my mistress wants to see you.

DINARCHUS

How so, pray?

ASTAPHIUM

You alone of all mankind does she love.

DINARCHUS

aside. Well done, lands and tenements; you have come to my aid in good time. To ASTAPHIUM. But how say you, Astaphium—?

ASTAPHIUM

What do you want?

DINARCHUS

Is Phronesium in-doors just now?

ASTAPHIUM

To you at all events she's in-doors.

DINARCHUS

Is she well?

ASTAPHIUM

Aye, faith, and I do believe she'll be still better when she sees you.

DINARCHUS

This is our greatest fault: when we're in love, then we are undone; if that which we wish is told us, when manifestly they are telling lies, in our folly we believe it to be true; verily as though with a tide we fluctuate.

ASTAPHIUM

Heyday now—such is not the fact.

DINARCHUS

Do you say that she loves me?

ASTAPHIUM

Aye, you only, alone.

DINARCHUS

I heard that she was brought to bed.

ASTAPHIUM

Oh, prithee, Dinarchus, do hold your tongue.

DIN,

Why so?

ASTAPHIUM

I shudder in my alarm, as often as mention is made of childbirth, with such difficulty has Phronesium survived for you. Prithee, do come in-doors now; do go to see her and wait there a little. She'll be out just now; for she was at the bath.

DINARCHUS

What do you say? She who was never pregnant, how could she be brought to bed? For really, I never, that I am aware of, perceived her to be in a breeding state.

ASTAPHIUM

She concealed it from you and was afraid, lest you should persuade her to have recourse to abortion

[*], and so destroy the child.

DINARCHUS

Troth then, who's the father of this child?

ASTAPHIUM

A Babylonian Captain, whose arrival she is now expecting. So much so, indeed, that, according as was reported, they say that he'll be here just now. I wonder he has not arrived by this.

DINARCHUS

Shall I go in, then?

ASTAPHIUM

Why not? As boldly as at home, into your own house; for even still are you now one of us, Dinarchus.

DINARCHUS

How soon are you on your return?

ASTAPHIUM

I'll be there this instant; it's close at hand where I was going.

DINARCHUS

But do return directly; meanwhile I'll wait for you at your house. He goes into the house of PHRONESIUM.

ASTAPHIUM

laughing. Ha, ha, ha! I'm at rest, since my plague has gone in-doors; now, indeed, I shall speak according to my own inclination, freely, as I please. My mistress has sung a funeral dirge

[*]at our house for this fellow, her lover, over his estate; for his lands and tenements are mortgaged for his treats in his amour. But with him does my mistress speak freely upon the objects of her plans, and so he is rather a friend by way of counsel to her than by way of maintenance. While he had it, he gave; now he has got nothing; what he did have, we have got; what we had, he has now got the same. The common course of things has happened. For. tunes are wont to change upon the instant. Life is checquered. We remember him as rich, and he us as poor; our reminiscences have shifted places. He must be a fool to wonder at it. If he is in want, it's necessary that he should allow us to make a living; that's proper to be done. 'Twere a disgrace for us to have compassion on men that squander away their fortunes. A clever Procuress ought to have good teeth; to smile upon whoever comes, to address him in flattering terms; to design mischief in her heart, but to speak fairly with her tongue. A Courtesan it befits to be like a briar; whatever man she touches, for either mischief or loss certainly to be the result. A Courtesan ought never to listen to the plea of a lover, but, when he has nothing to give, do you pack him off home from service as a deserter[*]; and never is any gallant good for anything unless he's one who is the enemy of his own fortune. It's trifling, if, when he has just given, he doesn't take a pleasure in giving afresh. That person's esteemed with us who forgets that that has been given which he has given. As long as he has anything, so long let him go on loving; when he has got nothing, then let him look out another employment; if he himself has got nothing, let him, with a contented mind, make way for others who have. He's a proper lover who, neglecting his affairs, squanders away his property. But among themselves the men declare that we act ill, and are greedy. Prithee, do we in fact at all act ill? For, by my troth, never did any lover whatever give enough to his mistress; nor, i' faith, have we ever received enough, nor has any woman ever asked for enough. For when a gallant is barren with his gifts * * * * * If he denies that he has anything to give, alone * * * * * Nor do we receive enough, when a person has not enough to give us. It is ever our duty to look after fresh givers, who take from untouched treasures, and make presents to us. Just like this young man from the country, who dwells here pointing to the house where STRABAX lives, i' faith, a very pleasant creature, and a very bounteous giver. But he, without the knowledge of his father, even this very last night, leapt over the wall by way of the garden, and came to our house. I wish to meet with him. But one servant has he, a very great savage, who, when he sees any one of us near the door, if you approach that way, drives us off just as he scares the geese away with his noise from the corn; he's such a bumpkin. But come what may, I'll knock at the door. Knocks at the door, and calls. Who, I wonder, has the keeping of this door? Is anybody coming out from in-doors?

STRATILAX

Who's this

[*], that's so sturdily plying his batteringram against our door?

ASTAPHIUM

It's I. Look round at me.

STRATILAX

Who's I?

ASTAPHIUM

Am I not seen by you?

STRATILAX

turning to her. Woe worth thee! What mean you by this coming so near this door, or why's this knocking?

ASTAPHIUM

Health to you.

STRATILAX

Enow of thy health have I; I care nought for't, I've got no health; I'd rather be sick, than be a bit the sounder with health from thee. This I want to know, what's owing thee here in our house?

ASTAPHIUM

Do keep close—

STRATILAX

Yea, faith, to my own good woman I trust; let him keep close to thee whose habit 'tis. A rare fine joke! a silly hussy to be tempting a countryman to naughty tricks.

ASTAPHIUM

Keep close your anger, I meant.

STRATILAX

As thee'st begun with me, so I'd e'en lay a wager

[*] there's not another like thee.

ASTAPHIUM

half to herself. Really this fellow's very churlish.

STRATILAX

Woman, dost thee go on abusing me?

ASTAPHIUM

Why, what did I say to you?

STRATILAX

Why, because thee dost call me churlish. Therefore now, if thee doesn't be off this instant, and tell me quickly what thee want'st, adzookers, woman, I'll be, here this very instant, trampling thee beneath my feet like a sow her piglings.

ASTAPHIUM

This is indeed right country, and no mistake; 'tis an abominable and truly a monkey race.

STRATILAX

holding up his fist. Dost thee throw the country in my teeth, when thee hast found a man who's ashamed of what's foul? Hast thee come hither to tempt me with thy decked out bones

[*]? Was it for that, shameless slut, thee dyed thy mantle of its smoke-dried colour, or art thee so fine because that thee's been a stealing? Come thee towards me then.

ASTAPHIUM

Now you charm me.

STRATILAX

How much I wish I could charm thee.

ASTAPHIUM

You tell a lie.

STRATILAX

Tell me—

ASTAPHIUM

What?

STRATILAX

What I ask thee. Dost thee wish to be taken for a bondswoman, who dost carry on thee those rings? Pointing to her fingers.

ASTAPHIUM

They give them to those who are worthy.

STRATILAX

These are the spoils of Laverna

[*] which thee dost possess. Lays hold of her.

ASTAPHIUM

Don't be touching me. Moving away.

STRATILAX

I, touch thee? So help me my weeding-hoe, I'd rather i' the country for me to be harnessed like an ox with crumpled horns, and with it spend the livelong night upon the straw, than that a hundred nights with thee, with a dinner apiece, were given me for nothing! But what business, woman, hast thee at our house? Why dost thee come running this way as often as we come to town?

ASTAPHIUM

I want to meet with your women.

STRATILAX

What women art thee talking to me about, when there's not even a single woman-fly within the house?

ASTAPHIUM

What, does no woman live here?

STRATILAX

They've gone into the country, I say. Be off.

ASTAPHIUM

Why are you bawling out, you lunatic?

STRATILAX

If thee doesn't make haste to get away from this with prodigious speed, I'll forthwith be separating even from thy brains those falsified, daintily arranged, corkscrew curls of thine, with all their grease as well.

ASTAPHIUM

For what reason, pray?

STRATILAX

Why, because thee hast even presumed to approach our door anointed up with thine unguents, and because thee hast those cheeks so nicely, painted pink.

ASTAPHIUM

I' troth, it was by reason of your clamour that I coloured in my alarm.

STRATILAX

And is it so? Thee coloured? As though, hussy, thee really hadst left to thy skin the power of receiving any colour. Redden up thy cheeks, thee hast given all thy skin its colour with chalk

[*]. Ye are scoundrelly jades. What's the reason, abominable hussies, that this way * * * * * ? I know more than thee think'st I know.

ASTAPHIUM

Prithee, what's this that you know?

STRATILAX

How Strabax, my master's son, is ruining himself at your house; how you are all enticing him to fraud and present-making.

ASTAPHIUM

If you appeared in your senses, I'd tell you. You're uttering abuse only; not a person is in the habit of being ruined here at our house; they waste their property; when they've wasted their property, they may go bare thence, if they choose. I don't know this young man of yours.

STRATILAX

Indeed so.

ASTAPHIUM

In sober truth.

STRATILAX

Aye, but that garden wall

[*] that's in our garden says so, which is becoming every night less by a brick, over which he travels to your house on the road to destruction.

ASTAPHIUM

The wall's an old one; it isn't wonderful if the bricks, being old, do tumble down.

STRATILAX

And says thee, hussy, that old bricks do tumble down? By my fakes, may never any mortal man henceforth trust me upon the two grand points

[*], if I don't inform of these goings on of yours to my elder master.

ASTAPHIUM

Is he a savage as well?

STRATILAX

Why, he didn't get his money by enriching harlots, but by thriftiness, and living hard; which now, however, is being carried off to you, abominable jades. Takes her by the shoulders and shakes her. There's for thee, six-clawed hussy; a wretched life to both of ye. Am I to keep mum about these matters? But, lookye now, I'll be off to the Forum at once and tell these goings on to the old gentleman, that he mayn't somehow be cherishing within this matting

[*] a whole swarm of misfortunes. (Exit.)

ASTAPHIUM

to herself. Upon my faith, if this fellow were living on mustard, I don't think he could possibly be as snappish. But, i' troth, how much a well-wisher to his master he is. Still, although he is a savage, I trust that he can be changed by coaxing, allurements, and other arts of the courtesan. I've seen a horse from unruly become tamed, and other brutes as well. Now I'll go back to see my mistress. But see, my plague's coming out. The door of PHRONESIUM'S house is opened. He's coming out with a sad air; he hasn't even yet had a meeting with Phronesium.

DINARCHUS

I do believe that the fishes, that are always bathing as long as they live, do not take so long in bathing as this Phronesium does in bathing. If women could be loved on as long as[*] they take in bathing, all lovers would be becoming bath-keepers.

ASTAPHIUM

Can't you endure waiting for a short time even?

DINARCHUS

Why, 'pon my faith, I'm wretchedly tired with waiting already.

ASTAPHIUM

I, as well, shall be obliged to go bathe from weariness

DINARCHUS

But, i' faith, Astaphium, prithee do go in-doors and tell her that I'm here. Do go at once, and persuade her that she has bathed long enough by this.

ASTAPHIUM

Very well. Going. DIN. And do you hear as well?

ASTAPHIUM

What do you want? Comes back. DIN. May the Gods confound me for calling you back. I had nothing to say to you, only do be off.

ASTAPHIUM

Why did you call me back then, you worthless and good-for-nothing fellow? A delay to me which has produced fully a mile's delay to you. Goes into the house of PHRONESIUM.

DINARCHUS

to himself. But yet why was she standing here so long before the house? Some one, I don't know who, she certainly was waiting for; the Captain, I suppose. That's it; see now, how, just like vultures

[*], a whole three days beforehand they foresee on what day they are to have a feast. They're all agape for him; on him are all their minds fixed. No one will be giving any more attention to myself, when he comes, than if I had been dead two hundred years ago. How delightful a thing it is to keep one's money! Ah wretched me! after it's done I'm punished, who lost what I once had. But now, if any great and splendid fortune should chance to fall to my lot, now, after I know it, what sweets and what bitters come of money, by my troth, I'd so keep it, I'd live in a manner so sparing, that—in a few days I'd make there to be none at all. I'd then confute those who now censure me. But I perceive that this tide-like door is opening the door of PHRONESIUM'S house is opened, which sucks up whatever comes within its bolts.

PHRONESIUM

Please now, is my door apt to bite

[*], that you are afraid to come in, my love?

DINARCHUS

aside. Behold the spring! How all blooming it is! how fragrantly does it smell! how brightly does it shine.

PHRONESIUM

Why so ill-mannered, as not, on your arrival from Lemnos

[*], to give a kiss to your mistress, my Dinarchus?

DINARCHUS

aside. O dear, by my troth, I'm being punished now, and most terribly—

PHRONESIUM

Why do you turn yourself away?

DINARCHUS

My greetings to you, Phronesium.

PHRONESIUM

Greetings to you as well. Will you dine here to-day, as you've arrived in safety?

DINARCHUS

I'm engaged.

PHRONESIUM

Where will you dine then?

DINARCHUS

Wherever you request me; here.

PHRONESIUM

You'll give me pleasure by doing so. They take their places at a collation spread before the house.

DINARCHUS

I' troth, myself still more. You'll give me your company to-day, I suppose, my Phronesium?

PHRONESIUM

If it could possibly be done, I would.

DINARCHUS

Give me my shoes

[*] then—make haste, remove the table.

PHRONESIUM

Are you in your senses, pray?

DINARCHUS

By heavens, I cannot drink now; so sick at heart am I.

PHRONESIUM

Stay; something shall be done. Don't go.

DINARCHUS

Ah, you've refreshed me with cold water! My senses have now returned. Take off my shoes

[*]; give me something to drink.

PHRONESIUM

By my faith, you are just the same that you used to be. But tell me, have you sped successfully?

DINARCHUS

I' troth, successfully enough, indeed, hither to you, inasmuch as I enjoy the opportunity of seeing you.

PHRONESIUM

Embrace me then.

DINARCHUS

With pleasure. He embraces her.) Oil, this is honey sweeter than sweet honey In this, Jove, my fortune does exceed thine own!

PHRONESIUM

Won't you give me a kiss?

DINARCHUS

Aye, ten even. Kisses her.

PHRONESIUM

You are not niggardly in that. You promise more than I ask of you. Turns away her head.

DINARCHUS

I only wish that from the first I had been as sparing of my property, as you are now thrifty of your kisses.

PHRONESIUM

If I could possibly cause you any saving, i' troth, I could wish it done.

DINARCHUS

Have you bathed then?

PHRONESIUM

I' troth, indeed I have then, to my own satisfaction and that of my eyes. Do I seem to be loathsome to you?

DINARCHUS

I' faith, not to myself indeed; but I remember that there was once a time when between ourselves we were loathsome

[*], the one to the other. But what doing of yours is this I've heard upon my arrival? What new matter have you been scheming here in my absence?

PHRONESIUM

Why, what is it?

DINARCHUS

In the first place, that you've been blessed with children, and that you've safely got over it, I'm delighted.

PHRONESIUM

to some ATTENDANTS near the door. Go you away from there into the house, and shut the door. They go in, and shut the door. You now alone are left to be present at my communication; to you I've ever entrusted my designs. For my own part, I've neither had any child nor have I been pregnant; but I've pretended that I was pregnant; I wasn't though.

DINARCHUS

For what reason, O my life?

PHRONESIUM

On account of a Babylonian Captain, who kept me as though his wife for a year, while he was here.

DINARCHUS

That I knew. But what means this? For what purpose was your design in pretending this?

PHRONESIUM

That there might be a certain bond and tie

[*] for him to be returning to me again. Now he has lately sent me a letter hither, that he'll make trial how much I value him. If I should raise and bring up the child which I should bear, that then I should have all his property.

DINARCHUS

I listen with pleasure. In fine, what is it you are contriving?

PHRONESIUM

My mother ordered the servant-maids, since now the tenth month is arriving close at hand, each to go in some different direction, to seek out and bespeak a boy or a girl, to be passed off as my own. Why need I make many words? You know Syra, the female hair-dresser

[*], who now lives hard by our house?

DINARCHUS

I know her.

PHRONESIUM

She, with the utmost care, went about among the families, and secretly found out a child, and brought it to me. She said it was given to her.

DINARCHUS

O shocking traffic! She then hasn't borne this child who at first did bear it, but you who come afterwards.

PHRONESIUM

You have the whole matter in its order. Now, as the Captain has sent a message before to me, he'll be here no long time hence.

DINARCHUS

Now, in the mean time, you are treating yourself here as though one who had just lain in?

PHRONESIUM

Why not, when, without trouble, the matter can be nicely managed? It's proper that every one should be alive at his own trade.

DINARCHUS

What's to become of me when the Captain comes? Forsaken, can I live without you?

PHRONESIUM

When I've got from him that which I want, I shall easily find a way how to create discord and a separation between us; after that, my delight, I shall be always at your side.

DINARCHUS

Aye, faith, but I'd rather it were at my couch

[*].

PHRONESIUM

Moreover, I wish to sacrifice to-day to the Deities for the child, on this the fifth day

[*], as is proper to be done.

DINARCHUS

I think you ought.

PHRONESIUM

Can't you venture to give me some trifling present?

DINARCHUS

Upon my faith, my delight, I seem to be making a gain for myself when you ask anything of me.