Pseudolus, or The Cheat (866-915b)

Only have good courage.

Prithee, tell me how I possibly can have good courage, who am taking you home to my house?

Because, by my broth, this day will I do just in the way that Medea cooked up the old man Pelias [*]

whom she is said by a draught and by her potions from an aged man to have made young again; so will I make you likewise.

How now; are you an enchanter as well?

Why no, by my troth, I am rather a preserver [*] of mankind.

Well now; for how much would you teach me that one point in cooking?

What point?

That I may preserve you from pilfering anything from me.

For a didrachm, if you believe me; if not, not for a mina even. But whether are you about to-day to give a dinner, to your friends or to your enemies?

Why, faith, to my friends surely.

But why don’t you invite your enemies to it rather than your friends? For this day will I present to the guests a banquet so savoury, and I’ll season it with such a dulcet sweetness, that whoever shall taste each thing that’s seasoned, I’ll make that same person to gnaw off the ends of his own fingers.

Troth now, prithee, before you shall present aught to the guests do you yourself first taste, and give some to your understrappers, that you may gnaw off the ends of your own pilfering hands.

Perhaps then you don’t believe me in the things that I say.

Don’t you be troublesome; you din me too much; you don’t please me by it.

See, there I live. (Points to his house.) Do you go in-doors and cook the dinner, with all speed.

Why don’t you go, and take your place? Go and find the guests; the dinner’s spoiling already.

Now, just look, please, at that young offshoot; for he, too, is a good-for-nothing deputy-scullion for the cook. Truly I don’t know what now first to be on my guard against;

such thieves there are in my house, and there’s a robber close at hand. For my neighbour here, the father of Calidorus, a short time since, in the market-place, asked me by all means to be on my guard against his servant Pseudolus, not to put any trust in him; for that he is on the hunt this day,

if possible to dupe me out of the woman. He said that he had stoutly promised to him that he would get away Phœnicium from me by stratagem. I’ll now go indoors and give notice to my household, that no one must put any trust whatever in this Pseudolus.

If the immortal Gods ever did determine that any person should be assisted by their aid, now do they intend that Calidorus shall be preserved for me, and the procurer destroyed, inasmuch as they produced you for my assistant, so clever and so knowing a fellow. (Looking back.) But where is he? am I not a silly fellow to be thus talking to myself alone? I’ faith, he has put a trick upon myself, as I fancy; myself one knave, I have been poorly on my guard against another knave.

By my troth I’m undone, if this fellow’s off, and I shall not carry into effect this day what I intended. But see, there he is, a statue that deserves a whipping; how stately he does stalk along!

How now! By my faith I was looking about for you; I was very greatly afraid that you were off.

It was my character to do so, I confess.

Where were you loitering?

Where I pleased.

That I know well enough already.

Why then do you ask me what you know?

Why this I want, to put you in mind.

Needing to be put in mind yourself, don’t you be putting me in mind.