Pseudolus, or The Cheat (745b-803b)

A whirlwind [*] is not so ready as he.

Is he shrewd at all?

In mischievous tricks [*] very often.

How, when he’s caught in the fact?

He’s a very eel; he slips out.

Is this fellow an experienced one?

A public ordinance [*] is not more experienced.

He is a suitable person, according to what I hear you say.

Aye, and from this you may know it.

When he looks at you he’ll tell, of his own accord, what it is you want with him. But what are you about to do?

I’ll tell you. When I’ve dressed up my man, I intend to make him become the pretended servant of the Captain; let him take this token to the procurer, with five minae of silver. There’s the whole plot for you.

As for the rest, in what way he is to do each thing, I’ll instruct himself.

Why, therefore, do we stand here then?

Bring the fellow to me just now, dressed out with all his accoutrements, to Aeschinus, the banker’s. But make all haste.

We’ll be there before you.

Get you gone there quickly. (CALIDORUS and CHARINUS go into SIMO’S house.) Whatever before was uncertain or doubtful in my mind,

is now clear-now fined to the dregs; my heart has now an open path. All my legions will I lead forth under their standards with happy omen [*] with favorable auspices, and to my heart’s content. I have a certainty that I can rout my enemies. Now will I go to the Forum, and load Simmia with my instructions

what he is to do, that he may not be tripping at all, and that he may cleverly lay the train for this plot. Soon now shall I cause the town of this procurer to be carried by storm.

On that Boy on whom the Gods bestow servitude under a procurer, when they add a base occupation as well, assuredly do they, so far as I now understand in my mind,

bestow upon him a great misfortune and miseries manifold. Just as this servitude has turned out to me, where I am set over duties great and small; nor am I able to find any admirer to love me, so that at length I might be fitted out in a little better guise.

Now this day is the birthday of this procurer. The procurer has made a determination, from the lowest to the highest, that if each one does not this day send him a present, he shall perish to-morrow with the greatest torments. Now, faith, I know not what to do in my line,

for, unless I shall send a present to the procurer this day, to-morrow must I swallow down fullers’ produce [*]. And yet I cannot do that which they who can are wont to do. Alas! how little am I, even still for this vocation. And by my troth, now, to my misfortune how fearfully do I dread punishment.

If any one lays on [*] whose hand is too heavy, although they say that it generally is done amid great weeping, I think that I am able in some measure to keep my teeth closed. But I must keep close my lips and my talking, for see, my master is betaking himself home, and bringing a Cook with him.

Those who call it the cook’s market, call it so foolishly; for ’tis not a cook’s market, but a thieves’ market. For if, upon oath, I were to seek out the worst of men, I couldn’t have brought a worse one than this fellow that I’m bringing, one, chattering, bragging, silly, and worthless.

Why, for this very reason Orcus has declined [*] to take him to himself, that he might be here to cook a banquet for the dead; for here he is able to cook a thing to please them alone.

If you thought of me in this manner that you are mentioning, why did you hire me?

From scarcity; there wasn’t another.

But why, if you were a cook, were you sitting in the market-place, you alone behind the rest?

I’ll tell you. By reason of the avarice of men have I become an inferior cook, not through my own inclination.

For what reason is that?