Pseudolus, or The Cheat (1216b-1265)

’Tis a wonder if it isn’t Pseudolus.

(To HARPAX.) How now, you! of what appearance was the person to whom you delivered the token?

A certain red-haired fellow [*], pot-bellied, with thick calves, swarthy, with a big head, sharp eyes, red face,

and very large feet.

You prove our undoing, when you mention the feet. It was Pseudolus himself. It’s all up with me. I’m dying now, Simo.

By my troth, I shan’t let you die, unless the money’s returned me-twenty minae.

And another twenty minae to me as well.

And is the sum to be taken of me that I promised by way of a joke?

From unprincipled men it’s proper for both their money and their plunder to be taken.

At least you might give up Pseudolus to me.

I, give up Pseudolus to you? What has he done amiss? Did I not tell you a hundred times that you were to beware of him?

He has ruined me.

And on me he has laid a fine of twenty fair minae.

What am I to do then?

When you have given me the money—go hang yourself.

The Gods confound you. (To HARPAX.) Follow me, then, this way, please, to the Forum, that I may pay you.

I follow you.

What am I to do?

Strangers I’ll pay at once; to-morrow I’ll settle with fellow-citizens. Pseudolus has been holding a council-general [*] against my life, in sending that fellow to me to-day to carry off the woman. (To HARPAX.) Do you follow me, (To the AUDIENCE.) Now don’t you be expecting that I shall be returning home this way.

As matters stand, I’ve determined to go through the alleys.

If you had walked at the rate you talk, you’d by this have been at the Forum.

I’m determined to make this, instead of my birthday, my dying day.

I’ve touched this fellow handsomely, and cleverly has my servant managed his adversary. Now am I resolved to lie in ambush for Pseudolus

in a different manner to what’s done in other plays, where people lie in wait with goads or whips. Without revenge will I at once pay down the twenty minae which I promised if he should effect it. I’ll carry them to him of my own accord. This creature is very clever, very cunning, very artful. Pseudolus has surpassed the Trojan stratagem [*] and Ulysses too.

Now I’ll be off in-doors. I’ll take out the money; I’ll lie in ambush for Pseudolus.

How’s this? And is it the fact? Feet-are you standing or not? Or is it this you want, some; one to pick me up here as I lie? But, by my faith, if I do fall down, yours will be the fault. Are you going to go? Heigho! I must wait upon myself.

This is the great fault in wine; it first lays hold of the feet; ’tis a cunning wrestler. By my faith, assuredly am I now come off right well drenched; with such exquisite viands, with such becoming elegance, in such a delightful place, have we been delightfully entertained.

What’s the need for me to make much prosing? This is the thing for a man, an object for him to pass his life for; here are all pleasures and all delights. I think that the ecstasy is equal to that of the Deities, when the lover embraces his mistress, when he places lip to lip,

when melting kisses are exchanged, when breast is pressed to breast, or else, if they please, they are locked in strict embrace; then for your most loving mistress, with her white hand, to be pledging you in the luscious goblet, for no one there to be disagreable to another, for no one to be indulging in silly conversation;

for unguents and perfumes, ribbons [*] and festive wreaths, to be provided in profusion; and for the rest of the entertainment, too, to be provided in no niggardly style. That no one may have to question me then, in this manner have myself and my young master been spending this day in jollity.