Pseudolus, or The Cheat (1002-1066c)

I see the token and I recognize it. But is he in the habit of sending no greeting written in his letter?

Such is the military etiquette, Ballio;

with their hand they send health to their well-wishers, and with the same do they send destruction to their evil-wishers. But as you have commenced, go on to ascertain of yourself what this letter says.

Listen then. (Reading on.) Harpax is my camp-servant, who has come to you.

Are you this Harpax?

I am, and the real Harpax too [*].

Who brings this letter; I wish the money to be received from him, and the woman to be sent together with him. ’Tis becoming to send greeting to the worthy; had I deemed you worthy, I should have sent it to you.

What then?

Pay me the money, take away the woman.

Which of us is delaying the matter?

Follow me in-doors then.

I’m following.

I’ troth, a more artful fellow, and one more skilfully cunning, I never did see than is this same Simmia. Very much do I dread this man, and sadly do I fear that

he may prove mischievous against myself just as he has been against him; lest in his prosperity he may now turn his horns against me, if he finds an opportunity. Should he prove mischievous towards me ⋯ But, i’ faith, for my part I hope not, for I wish well to him.

Now in three ways am I in the greatest dread. First of all then, I dread this comrade of mine, lest he should forsake me and go over from me to the enemy. Next do I dread that my master should in the meantime return from the Forum; lest, the booty taken, the plunderers should be taken.

Together with these things do I fear, lest that other Harpax should arrive here before this Harpax has departed hence with the woman. By my faith, I’m undone; they are very slow in coming out of doors. With baggage packed [*] up, my heart is waiting, ready,

if he doesn’t bring out the damsel together with himself, to fly away in exile out from of my breast. ⋯ (The door of BALLIO’S house opens.) I’m the conqueror— I’ve got the better of my wary guards.

Don’t weep: you know not how the matter is, Phœnicium; but before long I’ll let you know it when you are resting.

I’m not leading you to that Macedonian long-teethed fellow, who now causes you to be weeping. To him will I lead you, whose you especially long to be. I’ll cause you before very long to be embracing Calidorus.

Prithee, why did you stay so long in-doors?

For how long a time was my heart throbbing with beating against my breast.

You have found reason, you whipping-post, with a vengeance to be making enquires of me ⋯ amid the ambush of the enemy. Why don’t we go home with all speed with military strides [*].

Now, by my troth, although you are a worthless fellow, you advise aright. March in triumphal procession, this way, straight in the path to the festive goblet.

Ha, ha, ha! (laughing.) Now, at last, my mind is in a state of ease, since that fellow has departed hence, and taken away the woman. I should like Pseudolus now to come, that wicked rascal,

to carry the woman off from me by his stratagems. I know for sure, right well, that I had rather in solemn form perjure myself a thousand times, than that he should cheat me by making a laughing-stock of me. By my troth now, I’ll laugh at the fellow if I meet him.

But I guess that he’ll soon be on the treadmill, just as befits him. Now I wish for Simo that he would come in my way, in order that he might be joyful in common with my joy.

I’m going to see what business my Ulysses has transacted; whether he now has the statue [*] from the Ballionian citadel.

O, lucky man! give me your lucky hand.

What’s the matter?

Now.