Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain (550-616b)

to whom the Captain, my master, gave me as a keeper; for it is not possible for water ever to be drawn more like to water from the same well, than is she to this lady guest of yours. And I will confess, as well, that I did look through the skylight into your house.

Why shouldn’t you confess what I saw myself?

And there saw in your house this lady guest of yours, kissing.

You saw her?

I saw her. Why should I deny what I did see? But I fancied that I had seen Philocomasium.

And did you suppose me to be the very vilest of all men, in allowing[*], with my own knowledge,

such an injury so glaringly to be done to my neighbour?

Now, at length, I am of opinion that it was done foolishly by me, when I come to understand the matter; but still I did not do it with any ill intent.

Yes, but ’twas improperly done; for it befits a person that is a servant to keep his eyes, and hands, and talk, asleep.

Now, if after this day I mutter anything, even what I know for certain, give me over to torture; I’ll give myself up to you. This time, prithee, do pardon me for this.

I shall subdue my feelings, so as to think that it was not done by you with malicious intent.

I will pardon you in this matter.

May the Gods bless you, then!

Troth now, as the Gods may prosper you, really do restrain your tongue henceforth; even that which you do know, don’t know, and don’t you see what you do see.

You counsel me aright; so I’m resolved to do. Are you quite appeased?

Away with you.

Is there aught else you now require of me?

That you would know me not.

He has been cajoling me. How kindly he vouchsafed his favour not to be angry. I know what plan he is upon: that directly the Captain returns home from the Forum, I may be caught at home. He and Palaestrio together

have me in their power: I have perceived that, and for some time I’ve known it. I’ faith, never will I be seeking a bait this day from out of that wicker-net[*]. For now somewhither will I betake myself, and for some days will I lie concealed until this turmoil is hushed and their resentment is softened. Enough punishment for my unlucky prating have I already merited.

But still, whatever befals me I’ll be off hence home.

So he has departed hence. I’ faith, I know right well, that a dead pig full oft has more relish[*] by far than a living one: so bamboozled has he been, that he did not see what he really did see. For his eyes, and ears, and thoughts

have come over to us. So far, ’tis right cleverly managed; the lady has played her part most excellently. I’ll go back again to my Senate[*]; for Palaestrio is now at home in my house, and now Sceledrus is gone from the door. A full Senate can now be held.

I’ll go in; lest while I am absent, there should be a distribution[*] of their parts among them.

Keep yourselves within[*] doors, yet a moment, Pleusicles. Let me first look out, that there may be no ambush anywhere, against that council which we intend to hold. For now we have need of a safe place from which no enemy can win the spoils of our counsels.

For a well-devised plan is very often filched away, if the place for deliberating has not been chosen with care or with caution; and what is well-advised is ill-advised if it proves of use to the enemy; and if it proves of use to the enemy, it cannot otherwise than prove a detriment to yourself. For if the enemy learn your plans,

by your own self-same plans they tie your tongue and bind your hands; and they do the very same to you that you intended to do to them. But I’ll spy about, lest any one, either in this direction on the left or on the right, should come like a huntsman on our counsels with his ears like toils[*]. (Looks about.) Quite vacant is the prospect hence right to the bottom of the street.

I’ll call them out. Hallo! Periplecomenus and Pleusicles, come out!

Behold us here obedient to your call.

The sway is easy over the good. But I wish to know, if we are to carry out the matter on the same plan that we formed within?

Why, in fact there’s nothing can be more conducive to our purpose.

Well, what say you, Pleusicles?

Can that displease me which pleases yourselves? What person is there more my friend than your own self?

You speak kindly and obligingly.

Faith, and so he ought to do.

But this affair shockingly distresses me, and torments my very heart and body.